Twenty-nine entrance point led into Wheelbarrow
"entrance" —> "entrances"
slowly heated the metal of his hands
PRONOUN INCONSISTENCY SPOTTED!!!
“DOOR NEED BETTER WEILDED CLOSED OKAY.”
"WEILDED" —> "WELDED"
Needles resolved to keep pestering him
I assume you mean Elbows, not Needles.
A thicket in seeping, shifting trees.
Unless I'm braindead, "in" should be "of" since you're saying what they've become.
“It’s an anomaly,”
“Well, you’re the one who read the damn CFSCP survival manual,”
Raises a comically sized eyebrow comically high.
They were already almost of a height with Wheelbarrow.
Wording here is screwy. Something like "They were already on par in height with Wheelbarrow." or "They were already as tall as Wheelbarrow." or whatever. I'm just saying it needs a rewording, ultimately.
Spittlestring closed his eyes and Rebenca opened hers.
HELLA
I remember this bitch from Hardened Mechanisms! You're really pulling deep cuts, ain't ya.
Rebenca had changed since his youth.
Aaand there's the crosslink. If you hadn't put it in there, I woulda told you to.
don’t want to reduce ‘er to her physical attributes.
What a gentleman.
the hum of the gun carrying over the radio,
and the illusion of peace was ripped away like an unhealed scab.
Spacing's weird. If it's intentional, I suggest replacing the comma with an ellipsis.
Oh and also, "scab"
a string of energy clinging to her fingertip like snot.
… ew.
that stuttered his old heard
"heard" —> "heard" (I presume)
even as the force span her round and sent her slamming into the ground
"span" —> "spun"
To her right the titanic catipillar track of Wheelbarrow
"catipillar" —> "caterpillar"
and add once last number to the dead.
"once" —> "one"
I don’t know why i expected more, Otti.
A note to capitalize the second I.
at the poorly welded shut door below them.
"welded shut" —> "welded-shut" (I'm like 85% sure about this)
The first thing coming through that door would meet the wrath of- they checked the bottom of the hilt- Mejar Industries? Meiar… Meior… meet the wrath of…
LET'S GOOOOO the joke company continues to exist in a more and more real fashion!
"If you you feared me,”
Note to nix one of the yous
as the red stench of blood welled in her mouth
I'm all for weird-ass prose, but "stench" in relation to taste doesn't make much sense (seeing as it's welling up in her mouth.)
Elbows spewed out in a blurring of limbs, swearing violently as they did so
"blurring" —> "blur"
Jabberjabber paused, looked back as he reload the weapon
"reload" —> "reloaded"
Tinker snorted, considered for a moment, and yelled back a response. “YER OLRISTAAN IS A VIRGIN!”
There was baffled silence from both sides.
Indisputably the best part of this whole piece.
Pieces acceptable to loose.
"loose" —> "lose"
would all be for nothing wold be soon
"wold" —> "would"
She barelt noticed the meaty limb slamming into her back
"barelt" —> "barely"
Alright, general thoughts:
In all honesty, I'm a bit torn. I got lost really, really quickly as to what the hell they were talking about. I understand that the Olristaan wants a safe place for her "children," that Scabs is haunted by the bomb she made, and that the Olristaan knows of the bomb. I know that the series is largely about doing the right thing, but there were still times where the Olristaan would be monologuing and I just felt like a fish outta water. It's hard to put into words, it just feels like it twists and curls improperly at times. And what's the deal with the shadows? No one seems all that confused by them by the end of the piece, yet I'm sitting here without a single damn clue of what's going on. I can see the "echos of the past" thing going on, but that's about it. And the ending is tenuous, I think. I don't know what happened. I think there was some acceptance, but I'm not quite sure? I also wasn't huge on the Olristaan's end. I think there should be some more struggle, some more panic. She's just failed at her ultimate goal, why is she waxing philosophic with Needles so suddenly? I'm fine with resignation, but you'd think someone at the end of their rope who is realizing that they've failed would be a bit more irked by the whole thing. I dunno, the sudden dialogue on right and wrong feels weird. The series page says this is the end of Ocular Haze, but it didn't feel very end-y.
But that could just be me, all of this needs a second opinion. I could be going insane and this works great for someone else.
I will say, I still really enjoyed it. The fights were good, I loved the shifting perspectives. It felt hectic as all hell, which very much fits the scene of the piece. I might revisit this, give it more thought, and I'll let you know if I do. But as of right now, these are my initial thoughts.
Keep up the good work, good luck!
