Content-wise: Dang! (good)
Composition-wise: I didn't love it. The words didn't grab me and the stanzas felt both too short and too long. It felt like words that I have heard endlessly before, just reiterated and clumped together. This is to say that I did not find much originality in the language composition of the piece. That is okay in some circumstances, mind you, but it did make reading not very enjoyable. Separately, t feels like the material would have been better served by prose, rather than verse. A short prose work of this exact nature would be wildly compelling — I have said it before and will say it again: the delivery of the plot matters just as much as the plot itself. Good work, and do not be dissuaded by my dissatisfaction at the language here — I am notoriously hard to please, and want to see you thrive. Keep at it!
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?