I admit, it's been quite some time since I spoke to that necropriest.
i love the walker
It's been keeping pace with myself the whole time
"It had been keeping pace" is correct for your tense
drown out the nerves
probably "drown them out" is fine here?
joined the footfalls, I looked back
this probably needs a semicolon or period
personal symbols but most of the stones
this probably needs a comma after symbols
letting it jounce
JOUNCE DETECTOR ACTIVATED. this word doesn't get used enough
I couldn't see into the bowls, but I did notice that the headstones were in poor shape
this might be a place, like before this line, to add a little tension. something like "I tried to distract myself from the clattering sound of the following figure by noting more details of my surroundings" etc etc. the way you jump back and forth here in this section is trying to build that tension but i think you need to do a bit more to get us back in the narrator's headspace here so it doesn't feel like whiplash — as it stands now it's almost like you took two paragraphs and smooshed them together by interleaving alternate sentences from each. i think if you take just a little more time in this paragraph in particular it will help smooth out the pacing of the whole thing. my two cents. basically you either need to get us more into how the narrator feels and unsettle us that way, or you need to make it more immediate and less distracted. i think either way will work
especially not to meet
consider something like "much less to meet" maybe
I dig into it all
I dug
it's an omen
it was an omen
his muddy boots were talking
???
I couldn't help but stare at the doves. This individual was clearly no friend to be made.
i thought this as soon as you described them. real journalheads know.
its speak,
speech
journal, this journal, hanging
you might consider something like "journal — this journal — hanging"
pushing it in with a strong push from its foot.
pushing and push is a bit redundant, i'd rework one of them maybe
It flings
It flung
The shovel shunks into the ground again. I can't help but to watch.
you want "shunked" and "couldn't" here. leave the next one as "i can't help but to write" though. as an aside, i love "shunked" as an onomatopoeia
It all shifts /
shifted
ringing instantly stops.
stopped
grave-dirt and pry
pried
to be met with victory,
i would cut this clause entirely
Within the coffin is
was
and that's it.
that was it
It hops down
hopped
It begins picking
began
It starts to unbutton
started. i do sort of agree with rum's crit here though, particularly with some of the subsequent descriptions
and swivels its head
swiveled
He grunts
grunted
regarding the ending — i see it but it isn't suuuuper clear. i think let the curiosity of the narrator get the better of them and let them turn their head over their shoulder for one last look just as the creature slots one of eloise's bones into its body. i think even as sensitive as the journaler is, they wouldn't let this one go without attempting to really understand it. again, my two cents
i don't think any of these fixes will take long and i love the shit out of it apart from the nitpicks. it nails the jotw vibe and makes me want to do more journal writing myself. i don't think it's basic or boring, i think it's a bit spooky (i'm not like, quaking, but it's unsettling enough to work). good work snap!