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Well hey wouldn't you know it I've actually finished something I think MIGHT be passable, and wouldn't you know it it's a Journal of the Walk piece! Wowza!
I've got a few concerns, mainly is it boring? Is it basic? Is there literally any spook/scary/discomfort factor whatsoever? Does the last line hit or nah? What do you think this story means?
Here you are, just 1.6k words: http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/snapdragon
Hi!
Just read this. I thought it was entertaining and pretty interesting…I liked the little touches here and there "necropriest", "unholyman", and the skeleton's personality. Unique and darkly whimsical, which I think works great for this story.
As far as your concerns…I definitely wouldn't say it's boring, I found it a fun read! I wouldn't call it "basic" either, it's definitely a straightforward story, but told in interesting ways, the little things here and there like the worldbuilding with the "unholyman" and "necropriest references help make it interesting and stand on its own. I think there are two bits with spooky potential, the part where the narrator first thinks Eloise is alive, and the ending where the skeleton says "I think it's best if you were to leave now."
The last line…I must admit, I wasn't too sure what you were going for there, so it didn't hit for me yet, maybe with some more build-up as to what this guy means by "Historian" or something along those lines. As for what the story as a whole means…I think it's an interesting tale of grave robbery and how you might never know what's buried or what takes care of it, that's what I got from it at least.
Overall, good read!, and great work!
- Skipmeister
Like I said in chat, it's alright, but I think I would novote as it currently is.
One thing I don't think it handles well is the build up and release of tension. I don't think the opening properly conveys the fear of being followed and the potential danger - I know the narrator says looking at the surroundings is a way to distract himself, and getting distracted by the nightingale is meant to show characterization, but I think too often the imminent danger and fear the narrator might be feeling is set aside to focus on other things, and that prevents the moment from feeling properly tense. Especially when the narrator stops to inspect the gravestone I think it kind of just completely deflates any tension that could have been building up. I do think the part with the bell at the end is spooky and engrossing, and just mysterious enough to maintain that spirit of dread after it ends.
It starts to unbutton the trench coat, pauses, and swivels its head towards me. "I think it's best if you were to leave now."
Not gonna lie I thought he was about to fuck the skeleton and that kind of killed it for me. IDK if it was intentional but it… doesn't work.
The last line doesn't really hit for me, it's already implied he had some sort of historical or archeological interest in the graves, and it's not really clear to me what the implications of him being a historian vs a grave robber might be. Here it might be useful to indicate more clearly at some point what's special about the grave, what he wants with it, who the skeleton was, or something along those lines beforehand.
The prose and dialogue are alright, the dialogue feels a bit canned at times but not overly so. I think overall another pass just to tighten things up and strengthen some imagery and rhythm would be good.
It's a good base, and if you can make some improvements I'll probably be happy to upvote.
read YONQ
yoooooo jotwheads unite!
I admit, it's been quite some time since I spoke to that necropriest.
i love the walker
It's been keeping pace with myself the whole time
"It had been keeping pace" is correct for your tense
drown out the nerves
probably "drown them out" is fine here?
joined the footfalls, I looked back
this probably needs a semicolon or period
personal symbols but most of the stones
this probably needs a comma after symbols
letting it jounce
JOUNCE DETECTOR ACTIVATED. this word doesn't get used enough
I couldn't see into the bowls, but I did notice that the headstones were in poor shape
this might be a place, like before this line, to add a little tension. something like "I tried to distract myself from the clattering sound of the following figure by noting more details of my surroundings" etc etc. the way you jump back and forth here in this section is trying to build that tension but i think you need to do a bit more to get us back in the narrator's headspace here so it doesn't feel like whiplash — as it stands now it's almost like you took two paragraphs and smooshed them together by interleaving alternate sentences from each. i think if you take just a little more time in this paragraph in particular it will help smooth out the pacing of the whole thing. my two cents. basically you either need to get us more into how the narrator feels and unsettle us that way, or you need to make it more immediate and less distracted. i think either way will work
especially not to meet
consider something like "much less to meet" maybe
I dig into it all
I dug
it's an omen
it was an omen
his muddy boots were talking
???
I couldn't help but stare at the doves. This individual was clearly no friend to be made.
i thought this as soon as you described them. real journalheads know.
its speak,
speech
journal, this journal, hanging
you might consider something like "journal — this journal — hanging"
pushing it in with a strong push from its foot.
pushing and push is a bit redundant, i'd rework one of them maybe
It flings
It flung
The shovel shunks into the ground again. I can't help but to watch.
you want "shunked" and "couldn't" here. leave the next one as "i can't help but to write" though. as an aside, i love "shunked" as an onomatopoeia
It all shifts /
shifted
ringing instantly stops.
stopped
grave-dirt and pry
pried
to be met with victory,
i would cut this clause entirely
Within the coffin is
was
and that's it.
that was it
It hops down
hopped
It begins picking
began
It starts to unbutton
started. i do sort of agree with rum's crit here though, particularly with some of the subsequent descriptions
and swivels its head
swiveled
He grunts
grunted
regarding the ending — i see it but it isn't suuuuper clear. i think let the curiosity of the narrator get the better of them and let them turn their head over their shoulder for one last look just as the creature slots one of eloise's bones into its body. i think even as sensitive as the journaler is, they wouldn't let this one go without attempting to really understand it. again, my two cents
i don't think any of these fixes will take long and i love the shit out of it apart from the nitpicks. it nails the jotw vibe and makes me want to do more journal writing myself. i don't think it's basic or boring, i think it's a bit spooky (i'm not like, quaking, but it's unsettling enough to work). good work snap!
