Crit request: the ending of No Fear of the Owl, Parts V and IV

Crit request: the ending of No Fear of the Owl, Parts V and IV

Vishardsh 07 Nov 2024 12:51

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/vishardsh-s-sandbox the tabs Hearts of Flint and Clay and Blood and Stone and Briar and Storm.

The end of the No Fear of the Owl arc.

+ Questions for after crit:

Don't feel pressured to answer them btw they're just an aid

Does the reaction of the mice to Orpek feel logical and not forced?
Is Anhol's arc resolved satisfyingly? I worry I left him without a proper ending
Does the ending feel right? Does it get bogged down in its own nuance? Fail to be nuanced at all and instead just be confused and confusing?
The title of Blood and Stone and Briar and StormI am not convinced by, any thoughts?

Thank you in advance!

Re: Crit request: the ending of No Fear of the Owl, Parts V and IV

zipzipskins 07 Nov 2024 17:09

yessss mouseworld

hofac

He could hear that- rat

i think either no hyphen here or an ellipsis instead

bigger, hotter and hungrier

either add the oxford comma after 'hotter' or maybe even stronger, add the word 'something' before it instead

between chiding, soothing and angry

humbly requesting the oxford comma here as well

no other notes. it's very strong. the fear and distrust from the mice of hilldown comes to a head in a satisfying fashion here. all very much earned.

basabas

a single sop

do you mean 'sob' here?

absolutely brilliant. honestly i would change very little. i don't think anyone on-site writes an action sequence quite like you. the emotional weight of all of it hits really hard as well. really awesome stuff.

crit questions

1. yeah, i think there was enough foreshadowed distrust among the mice that this pays off just fine.
2. i'm not sure what i would add but i think you could give him a little more. a little more oomph. i would need to think on how i would do it but you might have ideas that are spurred enough from me saying he could use some extra. just a bit more emotional payoff or long-term projection or something.
3. yes, it's perfect. i wouldn't change a thing about it.
4. i think "blood and stone, briar and storm" reads better than the one with the and in between. or even "blood, stone, briar, and storm".

killer.

Re: Crit request: the ending of No Fear of the Owl, Parts V and IV

AKAM80 07 Nov 2024 22:08

All my classes canceled today so it seems I have free time. Thought I'd stop by and see what's what. In terms of recourse, I don't got anything ready at the moment so feel no pressure. ^{There might be one soon but it's a bit of a length so don't feel obligated.}

You've heard my spiel a ton of times already: ignore as you see fit, take with some salt, yada yada.

+ Hearts

He’d heard it from Houfa from Splincaff burrow

This is a terrible place to start a crit, but: "Houfa deez nuts."

the one that had suggested the the pit that had trapped its foot

Nix one of the "the"

But as it was the wanderer remained only vaguely

I'm advocating for a comma after "was", though I dunno if it's necessary.

The calm of his authority broken he was just another mouse

Another suggested comma after "broken", but also another where I'm unsure if it's necessary.

Gotta say, the dinner is a banger scene.

+ Blood

A sliver of a second slipped by and he span, smacking the blade off its course with the helm.

"Span" is the archaic version of "spun." I think that means it isn't technically wrong, but it does read weird imo. Up to you.

rapidly soaking into his pack

Orpek just dropped this, did he snatch it back up on his way out?

there was one, last piece of the affair

Controversially, I'm gonna vote to nix the comma here.

“Rat,” it said, glottal. “What you want.”

This is a question, dearest writer! Question mark!

Cannot run- any more."

The purpose of the hyphen eludes me, this I will vote to nix it.

+ Questions

1. Yeah, it made sense to me.
2. Not really? I wish there was more to see, some good, final words— between him and Orpek maybe, I dunno. The story started out focused on him, but ended up orienting a bit more around Orpek which makes resolution for him a bit of a toughie. Like zip said: long term projection.
3. I was completely down for it.
4. I echo zip's answer exactly.