Crit request: You Can Never Go Home (4000 words)

Crit request: You Can Never Go Home (4000 words)

Nonacherontia 07 Nov 2024 20:32

http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/you-can-never-go-home

Synopsis: first part of a series set in a world where a series of disasters ended the Information Age, destroyed all digital memory of the 2000s-2020s and forced the world to get by on 90s tech in 2032. Main character is a video game developer from a dead country and scattered people with a lot of problems and almost no friends.

4000 words

• What do we think of the setting?
• What do we think of the characters?
• Is the speculative fiction angle distracting or does it harmonize with the existing drama
• Was anything about the story distancing or confusing for you?
• Give me feedback about the prose—i’m worried it is too plain or that the words I’m choosing are to*o…idk…academic. I’m always nervous about the balance of show and tell
• Is this chapter paced well, or is too much happening too quickly?
• Were there any beats that really ‘hit’ for you, and were there any you that fell flat?

Last edited on 07 Nov 2024 20:34 by Nonacherontia Show more

Re: Crit request: You Can Never Go Home (4000 words)

AKAM80 07 Nov 2024 22:38

Howdy! Thought I'd stop by and see what's what. Now, I'm no paragon of writing, so take what I say with as much salt as you like. Take or throw away things I say as you see fit, no skin off my back. At the end of the day, it's your story to tell.

I think the setting is interesting, but could use a bit more set dressing. I was able to piece it together well enough with your synopsis, but a normal reader wouldn't have that. You don't have to dump world lore in the intro— that might actually be worse— I would just suggest giving more detail, being a bit more in depth. Of course, you can still obfuscate finer details for later, but give the reader enough to work with. I know it can be hard to balance that when you've already got all of the lore in your head, but just something to consider.

I think the characters are good. There's definitely history that's missing, greater details on some, but I can't make a judgement call on that at this point in time since I dunno your plans for when to dive deeper.

It seems more a backdrop than purely harmonious, but that isn't a bad thing.

If I didn't have your synopsis, I would be very confused on the finer details of the "Cascade."

I was fine with the prose. There were SpaG hiccups, but you said to not worry about them so I didn't.

There were two moments that I thought were janky.
1. The initial meeting. I was very confused about what had actually happened, though it was clarified later. Personally, I'm not sure I see the reasoning behind obfuscating the meeting until later, but if you feel strongly about doing it like that then I'd suggest trying to make it so that it doesn't feel like the reader is being short-changed.
2. The transition into the panel. It feels super sudden and unprompted. Just needs more build up, I suppose.

It felt pretty even through out. (Again, not bad thing!)

Re: Crit request: You Can Never Go Home (4000 words)

Vishardsh 08 Nov 2024 12:00

Okay! So I can't say I love this in its current, unfinished state and I echo the criticisms of your use of your setting that Akam has. The cascade sounds conceptually interesting but I'd be much more interested in some more minutia. Piles of flatscreens and laptops that don't work in alleyways, for example, though that's a bit obvious and it sounds like your society has gotten past that point. Your characters are fine- they're characterised perfectly well from their dialogue but I do feel that there is a certain physicality lacking from them, and from much of your prose. Again, your prose is good, but it needs to cut a bit deeper into the sensations of existing in the world it describes imo

1. Your world is conceptually interesting but honestly not really used a ton here.
2. Again, your characters are interesting but they don't get a huge amount of time to shine, though I am interested to see where this goes. A good start in that regard.
3. The speculative fiction aspect is good but there isn't really much of it so I can't say but I was intrigued to see where it went so- good start, again
4. Well I didn't get the thing with the balloon but that may just be me being dim
5. Your prose is good- even, maybe a bit too clean and I feel it could use a touch more sensory language but that's just what I like to read
6. The pace is hard to comment on in its current state but as Akam said the transition to the panel feels a bit abrupt.
7. The conversation in the cafe was the highlight of the piece for me easily- your dialogue was good and it was the clearest and best use of the setting in the story

Good piece! I look forward to seeing this completed