I feel worthless, used.
"used" would kill as its own sentence with a capital and everything here. although you know me. melodramatic. i think if you don't it should be "worthless and used". but i like having it be its own fragment because it parallels earlier when you did the same for "cheap". you might even fit a third one in somewhere! another short punchy pejorative. make them come in threes. i dunno.
cast iron pan.
Uh Oh! Uh Oh!
as an aside i would put a dash between cast and iron
Perhaps I register as more than simply someone to take home to her.
the syntax on this one is a bit awkward. maybe something like "Perhaps, to her, I register as more than simply someone to take home." might be clearer and less hitchy
Maybe it’s best for me to stop imagining such things.
again, "Melodrama Zip" wants this to be its own line. idk. we want the buildup. the Bad Vibes. i think you can smack them around a little more. the vibes.
Such attachments ruin one’s own perfection, only suitable to be cast down with the rust and decay of imperfection.
for me i need a little more clarity and terseness here. i actually think most of this stuff in this section should pop a little more, be a little more…. zingy. religious platitudes and condemnation should have a bit of pithiness to them, they should be economical in language to be memorable, to be memorized and internalized. i hope that makes sense
No one weak can swing something so heavy like she does.
i would consider rephrasing this, it reads a bit awkwardly. maybe change no one to nobody and change can to could? might make it go a bit more smoothly
An agent of the Cog’s Teeth must be resourceful, or else she is doomed to fall in the line of duty.
yeah yeah yeah. this is the kind of thing i mean from earlier, about mantras and platitudes needing to be pithy, to snap
to have this be my final mission
maybe "for this to be my final mission"
as an aside, the way we get a sense of aurie's pain — and thus her humanity — in this fight scene is really something. very well done. it's really interesting to see this sort of "reverse development," for lack of a better descriptor, of her character
such piercing noises
maybe "her piercing cry" to clarify the sound that's triggering this emotional response
The only thing in my mind, now,
it's a bit jarring to read this as all other other things were just on aurie's mind a moment ago. maybe a line about clearing her head and remembering her purpose/training/whatever else before this? something to consider
the ending is a banger.
the length is fine. it doesn't overstay its welcome. there's a lot — a lot — of characterization here. you do a lot of magic shit with aurie's internal monologue. it isn't always easy to give so much character that way without making everything just feel matter-of-fact and narrator-mode, i think you do it very well. the violence is punchy and well-done although i expected aurie to have possession of the frying pan at some point to return the favor, maybe in some sort of fabled "chekov's pan" type situation. i don't think, with how well all the elements come together, that you need to worry about this being too light on story or whatever.
