Poem for a Bar in the Shadows / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Poem for a Bar in the Shadows.

FleshMaddAvalon 19 Mar 2025 00:04

ty to uc for crit

I wrote this on the l-shaped vinyl couch of my favorite bar while a queer indie band played great music. It was great and my bartender gave me a free soda. love yall.

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I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust

UncannyClown 19 Mar 2025 00:33

this is much improved on the version i crit in your dms. you've taken most of the parts that didn't quite do it for me and fashioned them into stanzas with quite a bit of punch; to steal a phrase from bukowski, every line is packed with a delicious little juice. good work.

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poet

xexnoncores 20 Mar 2025 17:03

really good work. love the way this feels and reads

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nya? (runs headfirst into a wall and explodes)

find my work here: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/xexnoncores-author