Crit Request: The Night I Got Advice

Crit Request: The Night I Got Advice

PallidAlbumen 19 Mar 2025 17:14

looking for any thoughts on this. This is just the first draft so I will be touching it up, but any thoughts on the concept, story, dialogue or anything would be appreciated (750 words)

http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/pallidalbumen-s-birdcage

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"—I said, with a posed look."

Last edited on 22 Mar 2025 16:38 by PallidAlbumen Show more

Re: Crit Request: The Night I Got Advice

zipzipskins 19 Mar 2025 17:40

there's a few hitches with things like word choice, spag, and flow - i trust they could all be worked out in editing. for me, the biggest issue is that it feels like it's over before it starts. i think it could have a really big emotional payoff, but we get such a small slice that it's hard to invest too much in what's going on for either the narrator or the anomalocaris. it's sweet! but it isn't much more. i really would like for you to use this as a foundation to and develop it even just a little more.

some things that could come to mind to add:
more emotional context for the narrator
more observations about the strangeness or curiosity of the situation
more introspection about the nature of the narrator's relationship
more imagery or figurative language

just my two cents! sweet so far.

Re: Crit Request: The Night I Got Advice

UncannyClown 19 Mar 2025 18:54

what zip said, basically. what's here is fairly lovely, but i would like to get to know this narrator a lot better; i'd like to know more about what this creature's deal is; and i'd like to see more dialogue between them before we really get into the therapizing.

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poet

Re: Crit Request: The Night I Got Advice

UncannyClown 23 Mar 2025 05:23

(noting that i was pinged in the discord and asked to comment on a revision of this)

well, you say that you intend to add more, so i'll hold my comment on that for now, but ending on the texts strikes me as an odd choice. they're done very well, but they're an oddly dark and depressing note to close out the piece after the creature gives her all of that sweet advice. i think it makes more sense to have her look at them somewhere in the beginning or middle of the piece as a way of expanding on the emotional troubles you detail at the start.

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poet