Crit Request: Last Minute SSS 2
it would be a shame if i just yapped without putting out for this prompt, so i request some crit help for a last-minute sss piece. it does feel rushed, but i want to have crit asap.
Crit Request: Last Minute SSS 2
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» Crit Request: Last Minute SSS 2
quiet a bit
quite
desires that of Yaka
desires like that of Yaka (possibly maybe I dont get the intentions here too much)
This night was quite unique compared to other nights. Due to a previous event — yes, yes. That is another story for another time. You're picking up the tricks — the sand was cold enough to stab the feets of Right-Horn and Left-Horn, and it left them quickly tip-toeing across the dunes. Why were they tip-toeing across the dunes? My favourite way of speech is due to finding more warmth for the Caravan — Left-Horn's third leg was going numb, and it wanted to find better was of warming its legs and body; my Mentor told me it was due to Right-Horn's desire for a clear sky, for the sky was overcast during that night, and Right-Horn was dedicated to spot the stars night after night. Perhaps you, too, can find reason of their trek across that night when you go on your own adventure.
I think this entire paragraph needs to be polished a bit. It feels unconnected and undirected and a bit all over the place. I think if you make the verbage match the issue will go away
did it saw during that time
the tense is also a bit all over th eplace? but I think that's not a really hard fix—is this piece being told from the present, predicted about the future, or in the present tense, being told?
I very much enjoy the use of punctuation here, it makes the piece feel as though its being told by an old storyteller willing to take detours and go down pathways not covered in the main story. I liek the tone: how it goes from whimsy to fear, and attempts to teach a lesson to those listening. I think with a decent spag pass this could be great, but with the inconsistent tenses it kind of messes up the flow of the entire piece. if you stabilize that I think you'll have you rbiggest issue taken care of and then you can have the piece stand on its own.
I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust
The parentheticals don't work and the uncertain asides ("or maybe 4" and "or perhaps it was yet another weaver that got hitched to the Caravan") don't work either. Both disrupt the flow of the narrative. I get that you're trying to make their knowledge of the events uncertain and ambiguous, but you've overdone it. I would suggest removing them.
Your switch to pure dialogue partway through is too abrupt, especially with how strongly you emphasized uncertainty earlier in the text and didn't have any dialogue in previous sections. Either sprinkle some in before or rephrase to not quote anyone in the dialogue section. Plus, you're giving one of the characters a name that should be easy to pronounce when earlier you state that the narrator can't pronounce it.
If you really want to retain their name, for whatever reason, I'd suggest changing it. You might try seeing if you can use an extinct language's Unicode characters for the Spider's name (not hierogylphics or cuniform; too many would recognize them). Even if they fail to display in someone's browser, it helps emphasize that the name can't be pronounced and they can tell from context what it's supposed to be.
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