Crit Request - Marbles
http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/20minutespast
Short poem I wrote about my ADHD and how it impacts my thought processes.
Crit Request - Marbles
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» Crit Request - Marbles
i know i just told you in the discord that i think there's no such thing as too short for a poem, and i stand by that in principle, but i think this particular poem could do with a little expansion. i really like the flowing, tangential thoughts as a depiction of adhd, but if that went on for a little longer, if you could get a few more tangential movements in there before bringing us back to the start, i think this could hit quite a bit harder. that would also give you more space to make use of devices like enjambment and varying line lengths to further emphasize the disorder, if you are so inclined. also, i think the last line could either be cut or integrated into the flow of the other thoughts better. it juts out unpleasantly as it currently is, i find.
(noting that i was pinged in the discord and asked to take another look at this)
yeah, this addresses all my criticisms nicely and, i feel, really brings out the potential of the concept. it would probably be worthwhile to get a second pair of eyes on this, but i would certainly upvote if it was posted as-is.
I wouldnt really change this ! It's got a good rhythm and the fractured way the words come across really well. It speaks to the screaming terrifying part of ADHD where every moment is like a picture frame smashed to pieces at the bottom of an infinite staircase. I think it aims and shoots exquisitely.
I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust
some light explication on some real strengths i picked up from the poem:
lines 4-5, 6-7, and 9-10 feature some very good use of repetition; it reflects that jumbled up skipping-from-topic-to-topic that ADHD forces you to have, and i think this is an incredible way to illustrate it.
"skulls again" (L 7) is an interesting phrase. on its own i don't entirely see what it symbolizes, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should change it.
some mechanical elements in describing how the speaker's brain works, like a machine that never gets tired yet the body which holds the brain grows exhausted from the incessant turning of gears. i like it!
repetition of "skulls again" in line 16, and the poem ends with "marbles," suggesting that the poem is cyclical. this is reinforced by the lack of capitalization at the beginning of the poem. this cyclical aspect actually may explain why you chose to write "skulls again" the first time it appears in the poem - its an infinite loop doubling over itself.
overall, its obvious you put a lot of thought into this (no shit, right?). i don't know if there's much i can recommend, if i'm honest. definitely earns an upvote! :D
thank you for your kind words!
and the line "skulls again" is meant to symbolise getting stuck on a repeating thought
/forum/t-17108719/crit-request-marbles#post-