Crit Request - Two Poems About "The Pietà"
These are some poems I wrote for a school project but never published.
I want to know if these are appropriate for the Library. Of course any crits are very appreciated! Thanks!
bruh.
Crit Request - Two Poems About "The Pietà"
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» Crit Request - Two Poems About "The Pietà"
i would say that both of these are appropriate for the library, but unfortunately, i'm not a huge fan of either. the sonnet doesn't really get enough into the characteristics of the statue for my liking — i want to see more of that rippling and flowing that you describe towards the end, more flourishing descriptions of the statue's physical minutiae and the impression they made on you. the not-sonnet is a lot closer, but spacing out the letters in some words really doesn't work for me as a stylistic decision, and there are some lines that just clunk:
a maternal parent recalls c h i l d h o o d
you can just say "mother" i'm pretty sure
cold as stone made of stone
"stone made of stone"?
her rich garments indicative of spiritual wealth
this feels like lapsing into reading off a museum plaque instead of communicating a personal meaning
a young artists rash pride forever e m b l a z o n e d on the virgins bosom
if this was rephrased to be more concise, i think it would work a lot better as an ending line, but i'm eh on it as-is
i can tell some revisions were made since uncannyclown gave feedback on these, glad to see some implementation of stuff, and thanks for seeking out crit!
the sonnet unfortunately feels expository and prosaic. there is almost nothing figurative in it, there is almost no imagery. it feels dry and it does not hook me — it is almost like you had this commentary written down in one big block and then used enjambment on the lines to make them fit into a vague sonnet structure. on the topic of the enjambment, i don't think enough care has been taken here to determine where the line breaks occur; or, if it has, i do not resonate with the effect as intended. it feels haphazard and in particular the breaks that orphan a single word from the previous line cause a lot of momentum and impact loss. i think the last five lines are stronger than the first nine but it isn't enough to pull the poem together for me. all of that said i can sense your love for the sculpture in question and i wish it really shone through more, because as it stands this feels analytical, at a remove from the emotional passion it clearly inspires in you. if i were to give advice on how to improve it, i think for it to work for me, most of it would need to be rewritten with an eye toward using figurative language and emotional expression over descriptions of thought processes. i understand that it's a commentary, but i don't think it works very well as a poem as it stands.
the anti-sonnet is significantly stronger. i'm gonna be a bit nitpicky here i think, so bear with me.
his face is placid, calm
i think following a stronger word with a weaker synonym here kneecaps your momentum
the mother is strangely calm herself
and then insisting on that synonym removes the urgency entirely — keep us with you on the journey of emotional discovery about how you feel about how they feel
a young artists rash pride, an ugly scar of self-promotion
this line clunks a bit compared in particular with the way the previous few lines flowed so well ("carved from marble, white as bone/hewn by michelangelo alone" is really strong, for instance). it feels like it stumbles here. i also think in this line and the line following, you can't drop the apostrophes on the possessives, especially since you included one earlier in the piece.
all in all though the language, the emotional weight, and the imagery are all on a significantly higher plane here than in the first one which makes the sonnet feel especially rough around the edges — you follow it up with this, which is quite a lot better.
please don't give up! we need more poetry on site and in the world. i do not think that conceptually either of these is beyond the ability to turn into something great. i can tell you are really strongly affected by michelangelo's work — now help us feel how you feel. put the feeling into the verse.
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