Crit Request - Death Rumble Short Story

Crit Request - Death Rumble Short Story

SanchaySquirrel 29 May 2025 12:23

Hi,

My sandbox is here, specifically the Death Rumble tab: http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/beat-drops

I'm not new to this space, but I have been struck with terrible luck in submitting anything for a few years due to horrendous internet connections…. to say nothing of my forgetfulness when the conditions are good, or the inability to actually come to a satisfying conclusion for any of the projects I have in mind. Another large factor is most of my short stories are part of a bigger narrative and make little to no sense without context, regardless of finalization. For this particular case, I hope to show off what I have so far in a small combat scene I had in my head for a while, and expand on the lore later on. If you find any of the other things in that pile interesting, please put that here too!

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They/Them, please!

~Sailor, Streamer, Friend~

Re: Crit Request - Death Rumble Short Story

UncannyClown 30 May 2025 01:00

this starts out pretty weak. i don't think that using short, choppy sentences to lead us into the action works as a hook, and it doesn't convey the sense of propulsive action that i want out of a fight scene like this. it picks up after that, and on the whole i don't think this is bad on a brass tacks level, but it doesn't work for me.

Another large factor is most of my short stories are part of a bigger narrative and make little to no sense without context, regardless of finalization.

this is definitely something i detect in this piece, and it makes it hard for me to endorse it. absent any context for who these people are, what their history is, and why they're fighting, this would have to be positively searing at the prose level to win me over, and it would be much easier to just get the context in there.

Re: Crit Request - Death Rumble Short Story

SanchaySquirrel 31 May 2025 03:42

hmm, maybe I'll replace that starting bit with more context clues, or wait until I can get the bigger bits going first. I have WIPs that will work as softer intros and will hopefully grow into something, but I have to wait until I can upload illustrations. My problem is I've been immersed with this for so long, I have no idea how to easily bring someone from the outside in to notice things that are second nature on my side, as well as the fact that I am more of a visual storyteller than anything. the insight has been super helpful! thank you!

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They/Them, please!

~Sailor, Streamer, Friend~