notes
late night thoughts
i probably shouldnt have posted this but oh well
thank you to
"—I said, with a posed look."
On: Guilt / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page On: Guilt.
Ohhhh dear this person does NOT have a good relationship. or if they do, their rumination and obsessive thoughts are not helping in the slightest. An argument, perhaps? Or maybe death, in its own way — not for dying, but bur nonexistence. My thoughts are disjointed by this, splayed out flat like the dissection of a cat. Well done. Unsettling, how close. Ash wood bark and cottonwood fuzz in my teeth from the wind that refuses to come out.
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
kill the wikipedia link with fire, but this is very good besides. i like the way the text floats from side-to-side like the thoughts examined throughout (more writers should play with the text like this), and there are some killer images in here.
poet
Seconded, get rid of the Wikipedia link. Other than that, this is very good, and I still upvoted! The link just sort of gives the game away, y'know?
thanks spoddy for the feedback
"—I said, with a posed look."
i've been ruminating on this one for a bit. i think the formatting adds a lot of visual interest, i can feel the themes and emotions of loathing and frustration coming through, and i think some of the lines are quite striking. that being said, i struggle a bit to understand or conceptualize the delivery of meaning on the formatting, and i think there are a couple of times when it actively works against the piece as a whole, including in the middle where it makes a word seem like it's out of place (this could just be a mobile issue, possibly — i havent seen it on my laptop), and i dont get much out of the right-justification at the end. i also think there were a couple of imagery spots where you leaned too hard on cliche — "like clockwork" is immediately going to raise my eyebrows in a poem, and "like a starving dog" is also treading very familiar ground. i tend to be a lot more forgiving of this stuff in prose but i really think you could have taken the time, in two parts of the poem that are so emotionally weighty, to give us something fresher.
all this is to say that the poem as it exists now is *nearly* an upvote from me, i think, but doesn't quite make it. as an aside, it's good you removed that wikipedia link, as i probably would have downvoted immediately on clicking it. i think just a little more polish and eye towards the way you express some of these thoughts would push it into +1 territory but for now, novote. i do have to applaud you for creating something that you invest so much personal emotional energy into — my qualms here are mostly from a craft perspective.
Love the visual appeal of the format. Unflinching yet gentle, playful yet honest. Tugs at the heartstrings, severs them unapologetically. Beautiful WritPrompt entry <3
Thank you very much!
"—I said, with a posed look."
/forum/t-17147000/on:guilt#post-