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Everyone eventually becomes one, A Moth / Discussion
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I can personally attest to the fact that breaking the ribs is a necessary part of moth transformation. This one is sweet and meandering — I am in the garden, ducking between hanging wysteria blooms. I'm not sure where it went, but I can find it again, if you will give me a bit more time. I am pretty sure it's a trans allegory, but also, consider: MOTH. Elderberry wine, thick and syrupy.
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
i think that the first stanza is far and away the best one, and i find the others to be somewhat lacking in strength of imagery and word choice. using butterflies/moths to discuss processes of transformation also feels pretty stock.
poet
I see where u are coming from and I'll defo take it in considerarion for future works. But without going into detail about my original vision and such, you mention moths being an analogy for transformation feeling cliche but you like the one stanza where I focus on that, whereas I intentionally wanted the rest to feature less moth aspects and more about what said transformation actually is, so I don't know how to take that.
As for the rest, I did try to focus on relying less in imagery and more in line breaks and unique verse composition. The word play lacking may be attributed to me wishing this to be a more brief and simple piece, more focused on the whole rather than its parts. But as I said, I appreciate the critique and will take it into account, thx ^^
I really lke how this is tructured. it really makes me feel the gooey sickness of transformation, the body shifting with skeletal creaks. Ribs are trly our most stygian part, uder our chest and impossible to escape. Tasty, but I can see a fewplaces that require some improvement. Still, quit delightful.
I watch the yonder hills
See foodwrenches toil in dust
Let their cacophonous calls
Rend our bodies to rust
A very curious piece. The speaker wishes to become a moth despite everyone eventually becoming one. Right now I'm not really sure how to read it. But the poem imparts me with a strong yearning, a vision of impossible beauty. It's very nice, +1
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