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I'm writing a poem for the current "WritPrompt": https://wanderers-library.wikidot.com/forum/t-17160726/writprompt-2:ouroboros
I'm responding to Snapdragon's popular poem: https://wanderers-library.wikidot.com/kidney-stone.
My poem can be viewed here: http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/avelon21
I have not posted any kind of writing for a few years. I am open to any and all feedback.
Hello!
I should say first off that poetry is not my strong suit, and in terms of how it's written, I imagine other people would provide far better feedback than me, so I'll focus on what the poem's about instead. I think it's really interesting, I feel like it ties into the idea of "no ethical consumption under capitalism" and the doubt over not really knowing what's in the food you eat at this point given how much processing it all goes through.
If anything, I think you could expand this poem even more along those lines, exploring the implications of the line "I trust, every moment I eat, that I am protected somehow" a bit more, how one can turn their brain off and effectively accept the harmless story being told. I think "Is it really harmless if we no longer understand the harm?" is probably the most interesting line in the poem.
Lastly, while I like the comparison to Adam and Eve and the story of the Garden of Eden, I think, like above, it could be explored even more and how, as the story goes, they were deceived and believed that the forbidden fruit would be beneficial, while compared to the present, one doesn't even know what food is, or should be, forbidden at all.
That's my two cents at least, I thought this was a very interesting poem and I'm keen to see where it goes from here!
- Skipmeister
Hi, Skipmeister!
So, I've heavily revised my poem based on the feedback from you and UncannyClown. You do not have to feel pressured to give it another read, but I will say that I'm very thankful for your comments, because the poem is now more focused on the topic at hand. Using a limerick-based structure allows the poem to explore the topic in a clearer way, hopefully in a way that's enjoyable. Your two cents were great. Please let me know if you have any other comments.
- Avelon
there's a lot to like here. the opening line kills, and the final refrain is also pretty effective. i also enjoy combining modern nutritional/chemical terminology with biblical references, though i wish that was more of a throughline throughout the whole piece instead of an isolated couple of stanzas. that said, i think there's a lot of places where the diction and word choice could use some heavy sharpening, and the emotional directness could be tempered with more figurative language. here are the parts that stuck out to me in this regard:
I don't remember, can't remember, the
last time I ate a nectarine,
or any kind of fruit,
without feeling guiltywithout feeling doubt
without feeling shame,
shame, that something or someone out there was
watching, laughing, relishing in my ignorance—
there's got to be a more evocative, interesting way to phrase this
I trust, every moment I eat, that I am protected somehow
Somehow, protected by some agency somewhere,
Somewhere, where cyclamate is banned, and saccharin is not
Somewhere, where saccharin is banned, and cyclamate is not
Somewhere, where cyclamate is mixed into saccharin,
Somewhere, where saccharin is mixed into cyclamate…
this repetition just doesn't really work for me. the density of terms i'm not super familiar with just causes me to glaze over it.
Does it matter if three nanoscopic alcohol groups make
a tiny molecule of sucralose six hundred times sweeter,
if we consume six hundred times more food?
this just feels kind of unelegant to me
People repeat the tale of Adam and Eve, again, and again, and again…
They were humans. We are humans.
So surely, we are similar? All treated and made the same?
I wonder
If they became lost with an apple
or a grapefruit
cut the first three lines here methinks
4 calories rounded down to 0.
super pedantic but it should be "four" and "zero" spelled out
poet
So, based on the feedback from you and Skipmeister I've made an insane and drastic shift in the tone and structure of the poem. You don't have to feel obligated to look over it again, since it's basically a different poem at this point, but I think using a structured form has allowed me to reduce jargon and explain the situation in a more enjoyable way. The language should be more elegant now; frankly, I'm more comfortable with structured poetry forms than free verse, so I apologize for subjecting you to a vomit draft. If you do have the time to look over it before the posting period for the WritPrompt, definitely let me know if you have any more comments! Your feedback was timely and awesome!
I find the first stanza essentially being like an introduction to the rest of the poem, as if you're a bard and you've stood upon the table and you're declaring the poem's start to be a really fun effect. The general choice of going with limericks with this piece is already interesting. I think it's fair to say limericks have a dirty reputation, which makes an interesting form to respond to a poem focused (out of a handful of things) on holiness. The factoid about cyclamate being banned in the US and saccharin in Canada is really cool, it makes me think about arbitrary rules and wanting what the other has, it ties in nicely with the Adam and Eve and forbidden fruit stuff these two poems are interacting with - although because of that the ending of the third stanza does confuse me a bit. Is Lucifer's game meant to be natural sugars? It's an interesting premise but the rest of the poem doesn't really reflect on it.
The first three stanzas are really strong, and I think your third and fourth lines are always really great structure-wise, but this poem does seem to struggle with its fifth lines a lot. I've been reading it out loud a lot and I always stumble on them the most. "That all science has to be financed!" "The process has been hidden forever." "Who cares! We have Neotame!" and "Rounded down, of course, by the FDA." all just don't work for me. They either stress the wrong words or just have two many syllables or pauses.
I think your passages on artificial sweeteners are really strong, as I've said, but once we start moving towards natural sweeteners personally I didn't get a lot of substance out of it, which resulted in a kind of confusing ending. Stanza 4 has a good first four lines, but the fifth with financed doesn't really deliver a lot of substance - additionally if you're trying to go for an anti-capitalist theme it doesn't really feel obvious to me. Other than this and the mention of the FDA, everything else about the poem doesn't really relate and nothing delivers on who is financing that science. Stanza 5 then offers me nothing. Like I said earlier I still love how you're making most of these lines (lines 3 and 4 here specifically are super enjoyable to read), but the actual message provided here gives me nothing new to chew on or interpret. You're telling me that natural sugar isn't good all the time either, but you give me no concrete reasoning that connects to the themes of the poem. I was going to say the same about stanza 6, but actually I think it's a pretty great stanza that unfortunately just doesn't work because of the preceding two stanzas not properly building up to it. Same for the last stanza, I'm just left confused why the middle parts have caused our narrator to stop crying and actually be fine with the artificial sweetener in the food.
Right now because of the lack of concrete information (and this is not me saying you need to directly tell me things, I'm saying the things need to be there in some form) it's hard for me to emotionally connect with this poem and by extension you as the writer. I do think it has some super fascinating stuff going on though, and I want to read another draft of it.
(account deleted)