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This piece is about a class on the medical branch of thaumaturgical forensics.
Critiques are welcomed. All of them.
Even telling me it shouldn't exist, in a way, shines a path for future improvement.
Howdy! Thought I'd stop by and see what's what. Now, I'm no paragon of writing, else I'd be out making serious money. So take this with a many grains of salt as you like, disregard as many as you want, no skin off my back. And to immediately assuage any nagging doubts, I ain't gonna say this "shouldn't exist" or something like that.
rape, and organ trafficking
First off, props for a content warning. It's a little thing but people appreciate it. All of that to say: you don't need the comma.
your textbook: Forensic Thaumaturgy, Every Body Tells a Tale.
Titles of books and stuff you typically put in italics— including now! (It would also be more accurate to formatting (if my memory and sense serves me well) to replace the comma with a colon as "Every Body Tells a Tale" is likely a subtitle.)
Yes, we can all agree the book’s title is weird, but it is still true.
Is this weird? It's a forensics class. (This is a supreme nitpick, I understand. Ignore as you please.)
among the so called “polite arcane society”.
"so called" should be hyphenated
You’ll flunk the course, but you can always come back to this module when you’re less sensitive.
I got the "this will be some rough stuff" warning for quite a few of my classes, but they usually just went with "it's understandable to be perturbed" kinda stuff. This is easily the most asshole finisher to it I've ever seen. If that's your intent, then you nailed it. Hoping it is given the follow up!
All that said and done, lets begin.
We’ll be looking at a humanoid necropsy.
This is the first time you put this big divider and I don't understand quite why they're here. This is the same lecture, there isn't a significant change in subject. Personally, I see no reason to put them there, it feels disruptive and clunky.
Noetic Record by Dr. Gunn
Big opinion incoming: Don't make it (or any of them) a collapsible. Ride the horse.
The lack of reddish spots, or livor mortis
I can't tell if this is a clarification or a listing of two items (as while there is a difference, it's minor enough that I can see either) so:
If it's basically "reddish spots AKA livor mortis" it should be "The lack of reddish spots— or livor mortis— blah blah" / "The lack of reddish spots, or livor mortis, blah blah" (I don't know grammar enough to know the proper one, but I do like em dash version more personally.)
Or if it's "reddish spots or livor mortis" then you just need to nix the comma.
was chosen to kick-off our course.
In this instance, "kick-off" shouldn't be hyphenated.
Yes, I said it is comical, and I stand by it. Oh, the victim? No, what happened to her was terrible. I'm talking about the noetic records.
This feels completely unnecessary. The previous statement pretty clearly states that the professor is talking about the log itself. If it's meant to be a joke on your part then I hate to be a wet blanket but it ain't a great joke.
So, lets see, where to start
"lets" —> "let's"
Second, you can. No, scratch that, you should pause the noetic record
Nix the period, replace it with an em dash. You aren't finishing a sentence, you're interrupting and rephrasing. I'd also suggest putting "should" in italics since the speaker is changing the wording and likely emphasizing the replacement.
stop to check on writen materials, or other sources of information.
I'd nix the comma. Also, "writen" —> "written"
Of course you want to be precise, and nothing better than using references to strengthen your report.
What you shouldn't do is leave the pauses into the archive. You should always edit those out before submitting it.
Why separate these into different paragraphs? The second part is directly related to the first and doesn't feel like it needs greater emphasis. Better to make it all one, in my opinion.
Finally, when did the record show us the assessment of the internal organs? Never? Exactly! It seems our dear Dr. Gunn here did try to edit the archive after all. But the wrong part was deleted.
But there is: "… with internal organs being charred…"
I'll admit it isn't much, but the organs are assessed to a degree. Another nitpick, I know, but a better phrasing would be something akin to commenting that a thorough assessment wasn't recorded. This is also better evidence that he didn't just fail to do it and it is actually edited out.
Why leaving the internal organs part off is so important if the conclusion still mentions them. Of course it is important.
This part just reads weird. Is the first sentence the student's question repeated by the professor? I think this can be remedied very easily by putting an "is" between "Why" and "leaving" and replacing the period with a question mark.
Also, think about it: When was the last time you've seem a demon answer to a sloppily made summoning circle? Never? Exactly.
Maybe I'm dumb, but this comparison is completely lost on me and makes zero sense.
Anyway, enough of this case, lets move to the next.
Again, "lets" —> "let's"
The subject was as of yet unidentified during this forensic procedure. Gladly, we do have the full record of this case.
Two things: I'd rephrase these to better include the difference in times, it reads clunky as is. Second, I'd replace "Gladly" with maybe "Thankfully" or "Fortunately". (i.e. "The subject was unidentified at the time of the forensic procedure. Thankfully/Fortunately, we have the full record from the completed case." or something akin to it.)
down to the tight
"tight" —> "thigh" I assume
Moving again, to the other side, and a similar lesion
I'd recommend nixing "again" and its subsequent comma
He inserted a rigid wire through the hole at the base of the cranium.
They'd previously not detailed this hole nor made it themselves, thus I'd replace "the hole" with "a hole".
on her head, and started prodding
I'd nix the comma.
What brings me to my current position.
I'd also suggest replacing "What" with "Which"
From what I gathered, Im inside
"Im" —> "I'm"
Thats what is writen on the vests
"Thats" —> "That's"
"writen" —> "written"
but its been easier these days.
"its" —> "it's"
Not only people don't see me, I can't interact with anything while others are in the room.
Another weirdly worded sentence. Needs some TLC.
But not in me.
"in" —> "on" I assume
Guess I could even use this crap. I've seem them using almost all trinkets inside the room after all. But not in me. No sir. But blobby boy here could be useful.
In general, my question is "why?" Why start using "this crap"? Boredom? Curiosity? Is "blobby boy" useful because he can assuage boredom by experimenting? Or does he have some kind of plan?
lupe-like lens
I assume you mean loupe-like? (This goes for every time you use "lupe".)
There is no handle, so I had to
"is" —> "was"
There is no rim to the crystal, so I guessed I shouldn't call it one.
I don't think a frame is what makes it a monocle, more so the singular lens. And crystal? Is the lens made of a crystal?
and I "snapped a picture" of it.
Why the quotation marks. Is that not exactly what it's doing?
It was so fast that I wouldn't know if it wasn't for this crystal.
What is "It" here?
It weights forty-eight, something, can't really
Firstly, "weights" —> "weighs". Second, I'd personally nix the first comma.
It looked so much bigger in the first days.
Why is this the first time he's mentioned that it's shrinking if it's been in the room with him for what feels implied to be quite a while?
and it can rarely keep it's shape anymore.
"it's" —> "its"
When it assumed human form
This feels extremely out of left field. I thought it was a formless blob. Would this not be a significant event? Why is it only now mentioned, and nearly in passing?
If I'd had to make a wild guess. And this is truly wild, I'm looking at a collection of dreams.
Make these one sentence, replace the period with a comma.
or prevent it's fate.
"it's" —> "its"
So, that concludes our lecture for today.
What? You want to know what happened to them. Ok, I guess. After submitted, the record was found by a technician running routine checks on the noetic archives.
It doesn't make much sense that the professor cuts the lecture off right after. After all the others, they briefly discuss it. Yes, they says before this one why they're showing it, but why not discuss in more detail what makes it so great? Specifics? That's teaching.
On another note, I'd nix the "Ok, I guess." Just reads weird. Maybe replace it with a "Well," that leads into the second sentence. (And throw an "it was" between "After" and "submitted".)
His thether was intact
"thether" —> "tether"
I ca't say exactly
"ca't" —> "can't"
General thoughts:
I enjoyed it overall, though this definitely appeals to my areas of interest in a few ways. My big crit is over the third example. What purpose does it actually serve? The professor says at the beginning that it shows "how even someone with no formal thaumaturgical forensics training can perform well when motivated" but what purpose does that serve in what seems like a very practical class? Up until then, it's been "here's what's wrong" "here's what needs to be done." What changed here? Why show it? The example doesn't do anything to sell itself either. On top of that, the professor says Locke performs well, but does he? How do we know? He himself expresses very little confidence in his theory, he's noted to have no experience in the field, and the professor says after that no one knows anything about what Locke saw or if his conclusions have any merit at all.
Goodbye, Zion.
Thanks for the crit.
Just to make it clear, I didn't really expect anyone to directly say it doesn't deserve to exist. I just want to emphasize that no matter how harsh the criticism, it will be ok for me.
On a side note: I pictured a certain someone when setting the tone for the professor, and he should be an asshole.
I'll give some more polish to the writing.
Edit: Looking back, I never gave an example of the real life professor's attitude. So here goes one sentence I'll never forget. He said it right after distributing the end of semester tests. "Do not worry if you flunk this test. [ Discipline ] is just like christmas. It will be here again next year, just like you."
