Crit Request: Clean Slate

Crit Request: Clean Slate

PallidAlbumen 21 Oct 2025 04:33

http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/pallidalbumen-s-birdcage

Due to some external opinions about my writing, and my own passion for growth, I've decided to work on having a more flowery-language, and not being so literal. A lot of the time it feels like I'm just banging a stick and rock together, which is what I'm trying to practice here.

I mainly want to know general thoughts, like if its too short, if it needs to be expanded (and in what aspects?) and if there's anything you didn't like.

I would also just like some general tips for helping with descriptions, as I think I did generally okay here, but I can tell there's need for improvement, as the most thing that I have trouble on is just trying to not sound repetitive.

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"—I said, with a posed look."

Re: Crit Request: Clean Slate

UncannyClown 21 Oct 2025 06:02

this definitely feels more like practice than a completed work, yeah. it feels like it ends right before the story is going to properly start. i will treat it as such and give you my thoughts on the descriptive language that you say is your aim, though i will preface that by saying that i don't think flowery language is inherently desirable or undesirable — rather, it is a tool to be deployed as you see fit.

She hung her head, fatigue seeping into her bones like a tired daughter being tucked in by her father

this simile completely bricks for me. the image of a daughter being tucked into bed doesn't fit the tone of the scene at all.

She sunk her body into the lax, metal chair she sat in, and drifted off to sleep for the thousandth time.

"she sat in" is redundant when she is said to sink into it.

Fingers sunk into the ground as she pushed herself off of the puddy-like mud, struggling to keep balance on noodle-like legs.

the double use of -like descriptors feels a little awkward.

Cleaned of her blood, of her sins again once more

"again once more" is redundant.

i don't hate using a lot of instances of the word "legion" to communicate its size, but if you want to practice descriptive writing, why not try to write a block of actual description that large?

other than those notes, i think this is an alright start. you'll get better at descriptive writing as you do it more.

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poet