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http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/pallidalbumen-s-birdcage
story i cooked up for potention canon hub.
I think the prose starts of strong in my opinion, but I have this feeling it soemwhat falls off as the story progresses. Is it too rushed? What would you like to see more of? What works and what doesnt? any feedback is appreciated
"—I said, with a posed look."
You certainly have an interesting article.
The main problem I have is the lack of context to build off of. The problem, in turn, with that, is that it means I'm not sure what to feel. I understand that Henrick is using Glass' power to commune with someone, but without a background to these characters, I know nothing. What am I supposed to feel? Who are these characters? Who's Claire?
To summarize, the article fundamentally needs expansion. That ensures that we know everything we need to know.
Sincerely
Freezer
I really like the vibes, the subtle premise, and the characters, and having in mind the story's pretty short, this is an absolutely positive sign!
However, I'll have to agree with FreezerMonkey here; I feel like the lack of context in this story is a tad harmful to the readers' (at least my) perception of the story. The supernatural events occur at a reasonable time in the narrative but there isn't enough build-up to make the transition from "ordinary" to "bizarre" feel smooth. I believe adding more "meat" to the story in the middle would help in terms of pacing and building up the supernatural reveal.
, crimson, red eyes
Remove the comma so it's "crimson red eyes". Crimson is a shade of red in and of itself, so it's a tad redundant to have a comma there.
Is this article part of a larger universe, with other connected articles? I'm reading and I just get the feeling that there's something more here, something that I just don't have.
Regardless, in the event it's not, the same problem I brought up last time remains. We just don't know what's going on. Of course, don't tell us right away. Drop hints over the course of the story. You don't even have to give us all the hints in this specific article. If you're planning to do follow up articles, give us only some of the hints here, just enough to start theorizing. It means the reader is now actively engaging, actively hooked on the story, drawing conclusions. And now, when you drop the reveal, the reader feels rewarded for having waited. It's what's gonna keep them engaged, above even the story itself.
Sincerely
Freezer
Alone, she fingered the letter she had given him
That should be "Alone, she fingered the letter he had given her" no ?
Anyway, I think the style really works, I think it's just a bit short, and thus you can't really get an explanation of all the events. It'd be perfect as part of a series, as a stand-alone text, I'd say it's good. Really looking forward to development on the past events in the cannon and a follow-up (multiple even).
"Do not sneer at the mad, their madness lasts longer than ours, that is all the difference."
I think this is overall pretty good. There's some style tweaks I would make, below, but the writing works. I have two main comments: I think a lot of the dialogue is trying to be a bit too hard to be smarmy/clever, and I think the encounter with Claire needs to be lengthened and explored more: it feels like it should be the heart of the piece, but it also gets brushed over pretty quickly, almost feeling like it's not entirely there. Other than that, I like the setting and mood you've created, and the characterization is quite strong. Pretty good overall.
Rain poured down like bullets
Kind of a cliche.
wiping off his mud-caked boot soles on the soggy, dilapidated wood.
"Soggy" makes me think of something waterlogged, more like bread than wood.
revealing a woman as the offender. She was walking at a brisk pace
"Revealing a woman as the offender" is clunk, and "she was walking at a brisk pace" creates a weird image with someone who's also opening a door at the same time.
He cast over to her, various cans of vegetables and fruits, ranging from spinach to peaches, spilled out of it, coming to a dull stop after a few moments of rolling.
This feels like it needs to be rewritten, it's very clunky and unorganized.
She sneered at him playfully, her top lip curling up to reveal the slightest image of two protruding teeth.
There's a missing space after this line.
Henrick sat down on a pew, patiently waiting for the time to pass.
Just "patiently waiting".
Her eyes had, once the Great Shift occurred, been a beautiful hazel, now completely clouded over like watered-down milk. It was the first of the changes that happened to her. Even now, he could see the strands of white spilling into her hair, a material reminder of what was taken from her.
I'm confused by the timeline this is indicating. The Great Shift turned her eyes hazel, and then clouded them over? It seems more natural for them to be hazel before right?
“”
Is dialogue missing here?
read YONQ
She couldn’t speak to him, as per the affects of her curse
Change "affects" to "effects" — if she were affecting (taking on, presenting) the ways of someone with the curse, then it would be correct, but here it is not.
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
