great and unique post for your first work. I feel like you have a strong handling on fundementals and you take feedback quite well. I'm excited to see what comes from you next. Maybe some more old man? ;0
"—I said, with a posed look."
The Game of Life / Discussion
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thank you thank you!! big preesh <3
I may explore him further in future works, yes yes
especially if more people end up being intrigued by him :3
A person who thinks all the time
Has nothing to think about except thoughts
So, he loses touch with reality and lives in a world of illusions.
This is a fun story about a brush with death, but I wish it were longer. Death's appearance was pretty cool, I liked that he's a chameleon it feels appropriate since death can come in many forms. I feel like the natural way to extend the story would be to show what the person does with their new lease on life. It seems like there's a lot of setup here but it's not being paid off all the way. I would love to see more of how a person reacts to going through an experience like this.
thank you so much!!
I will say the cliffhanger was intentional. I wanted to give the reader a bit of a “I NEED MORE!!” feeling, and it seems I’ve accomplished that wonderfully hehe
if this ends up being very well-received, I definitely could publish a sequel or something of the like c:
A person who thinks all the time
Has nothing to think about except thoughts
So, he loses touch with reality and lives in a world of illusions.
not for me, unfortunately. the narrative voice strikes me as mostly unremarkable, and having the narrator lampshade the cliche idea that the game is a metaphor for his life doesn't change the fact that the story is deploying that cliche and playing it straight. i'm ultimately just not very interested to see where this goes next.
also, this is a minor thing that won't move me to upvote if it gets changed, but i'm having trouble visualizing how the chess moves described could possibly result in a checkmate. did you have a specific set of moves in mind?
poet
I did, yes!
I myself am not skilled at chess, so I made sure to check the following moves on a free website just in case lol
the referenced moves were:
- white: moves a pawn from E2 to E4
- black: moves a pawn from E7 to E5
- white: moves their queen from D1 to H5
- black: moves their king from E8 to E7
- white: moves their queen from H5 to E5
thank you for the feedback regardless! hopefully my future works will be more to your liking :)
A person who thinks all the time
Has nothing to think about except thoughts
So, he loses touch with reality and lives in a world of illusions.
ah, for some reason, i thought white was meant to be capturing a different pawn. thank you for clarifying.
poet
I liked this! A tad bland, for I have seen this concept before in many different ways, but like a dish eaten at many different restaurants enough that the tastebuds tire, it can still be made well and enjoyed for the variations in its execution. I liked your old man of many faces. Your writing is solid, and though I do have minor nitpicks they are not egregious and it is a matter of exercise and streamlining with time. Welcome to the site!
-Styg
What is life if not the contrast between what has been and what will become?
/forum/t-17456668/the-game-of-life#post-