Crit Request: Argon-Blue Determination, Carbon-Fiber Dreams

Crit Request: Argon-Blue Determination, Carbon-Fiber Dreams

meltedbee 04 Mar 2026 17:23

Returning to posting on the WL with this piece.
Looking for some feedback, so I can get it tightened up and of acceptable quality to post.

http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/meltedbee

Last tab. Mostly curious about if the story goes on too long, if the vibes are right, and if it makes sense. Anything else is appreciated too.

Thank you in advance,
Rosie

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radiance, glorious and cold and blistering all at once, like a star behind the eyes

Re: Crit Request: Argon-Blue Determination, Carbon-Fiber Dreams

Plilt 09 Mar 2026 16:21

It's definitely not too long—if anything it felt a little short. While I definitely get the vibe you're going for and I like the atmosphere you create, it does feel like more time spent developing the ideas you're working with would have made this more impactful. This feels like a segment of a story rather than a complete one, and while I get the shape of the characters involved it still leaves me wanting more.

Stylistically, I really liked how the first word of each paragraph in the first section was italicized. Switching to paragraphs without the use of that italicized beginning was fine, but you might want to rephrase some of the paragraphs where you've got italicized actions in the middle of the paragraph.

Other than that, you mention Ollie but I'm not sure if they're either the Coach or the person talking in this line:

“Angel! Tighten up that finish.”

Naming the speaker would help, I think.