"But after the most violent storms, the ones that send dozens of cloud-chasers spiraling towards the crushing depths, pass, the cloud-chasers whisper tales of their compatriots' fate over electromagnetic fields"
Another form of separation could be use to separate out 'the ones that send dozens of cloud-chasers spiraling towards the crushing depths', like dashes or parentheses. It would be less confusing.
"It's said that most petitioners are taken by the Lord of the Depths before they can ask a single question and added to his collection"
I would say added to his collection before 'before they can ask a single question'.
"The Mkeun wrestle over each other to sup mere droplets of the venom."
Ignore at your leisure, it just jumped out to me more than it probably should have to have used sup/supped twice in a fairly short span. Another synonym may be a slightly better reading experience but honestly it's no big deal either way.
"When they're crossing through the Pyandor Reach, they're in the karst fields"
This implies they're in two places at once. Do you mean the serpent is in the karst fields?
Overall, I really like this piece and aside from some mild nitpicks it's ready to go.
P.S. I think the order works well as is. Maybe it could be re-ordered in a sort of less-enlightened to more-enlightened tellings order? That might be interesting, but I think it's okay as it stands.
