Hey there! Always happy to see new writers. Straight into the crit:
First of all, SPaG (Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar) looks to be in good shape; it's always good to see folks proof-reading before submitting for crit. The paragraph and dialogue spacing is pretty good, and I haven't had any trouble telling which characters are talking.
Regarding character development, it's worth noting that "character wakes up and has to figure out who they are and explore their mind and body anew" is a trope most readers will be readily familiar with. That's not to say it's a bad idea; I think it works well with the sort of fever-dream cold open thing you've got going on. But there's caveats. One of the main ones is that the way your character speaks and narrates their internal experience (where applicable, which it is here since you're writing in 1st person) sets certain expectations about the character's mental abilities and personality.
In this case, there's some friction between how eloquently your character is describing their experience compared to their implied situation.
"Had it always been possible for me to stand up and move? It didn't feel familiar."
This line implies that the character is very new to the whole existing thing; the reader will be expecting the character to behave appropriately. But:
"I didn’t know where I came from or what I used to be. Did it matter? I wasn’t sure how to tell. Perhaps there were more pertinent questions. For example, where was I now?"
This 'asking questions of oneself and then answering them or weighing the benefits of trying' flow is much more characteristic of someone who's experienced with introspection. Not to mention the fact that they know what a cat is, what a Velociraptor is (or close enough), and is capable of making a reference to Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein."
A little later in the story, we listen to Jelly and Asher sort of speedrun the basics of optimistic nihilism (I don't know my purpose but I can make one for myself) while openly describing their concerns in explicit words. This creates the feeling that the author is in a huge hurry to sort of 'check the boxes' on getting these characters established.
All that to say: think about what you're trying to foreshadow and why, then try to lean into that more specifically instead of trying to cover all your bases from what you know about a trope.
On a positive note, I think you've done a good job demonstrating that your two main slices have pretty different personalities.
Slight nitpicks:
- It's not really explained how a slice of bread is able to grab anything, and there's a lot of references to your characters using their 'hands' for things.
- 'He tried to take it from hands' should probably be 'He tried to take it from my hands.'
Now, on tone: I love it, honestly. It doesn't take itself too seriously, absolutely nobody around here is going to complain about the echoes of Rick Riordan in the comedy and delivery. I love the footnotes, I love that the reader has to sort of ask themselves if they're more-so inserts by the main character or the actual author. It all makes for very entertaining reading.
All in all, I hope you continue through the whole series that you've planned out. Just remember: your characters don't have to have completely figured out who they are before they start participating in the story.
Happy writing!
