Crit: for commentchamp2026 (don't have a name for it yet)

Crit: for commentchamp2026 (don't have a name for it yet)

Writer123 10 Sep 2026 01:59

Alright If you saw my original piece for the contest and are wondering where it is. I deleted it. I just didn't like it to be honest so I'm starting afresh. My original I didn't go through the critique process and it was pretty trash but through all the comment critique from my original work for the contest, I think I managed to fix it. But of course, I need critique with 2 specific things.

The pacing and phrasing.
And the grammar…

Also, is my message understandable? like as in you understand the metaphor since it's supposed to be a like a allegorish or extended metaphorish about the commercialization of Mount Everest. Ignore the other tabs those are for a different project.

Here's the link:

http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/writer123-sandbox

Also I need help with coming up with a new title or should I use my original title which was titled, "The Mountress."

Last edited on 10 Sep 2026 02:00 by Writer123 Show more

Re: Crit: for commentchamp2026 (don't have a name for it yet)

UncannyClown 11 Sep 2026 17:19

the pacing seems fine to me, and the message definitely comes across. the phrasing is a consistently a little off in a way that i have difficulty placing, but i enjoy bits like "the anewness of things" and "neon moths," and the grammar seems fine aside from some moments where the tense briefly switches from past to present. it's definitely comprehensible at the surface level. this would be a tough thing to consider/implement ahead of the commentchamp deadline, but the main thing i would invite you to consider is the implications of gendering everest in the way that you do. depicting the commercialized everest as a once-worshiped and powerful woman reduced to waiting for a "king" to deliver her from her plight adds a patriarchal layer to the piece that i would be interested to see examined more closely. is there something distinctly masculine about the impulse to "conquer" a large and inhospitable place like everest? might the commercialized everest have anything in common with exploited women in our society? what does it say that the only way out everest can imagine is the deliverance of a benevolent king? there's a lot of intriguing possibilities in there. just something to contemplate.

---

poet

Re: Crit: for commentchamp2026 (don't have a name for it yet)

Writer123 11 Sep 2026 22:17

Thank you for the thoughtful critique!
I decided to change some stuffs a little and regarding the gender dynamics, that actually wasn't my intention at all.
I don't know if the slight changes make it clear now. "Infestating" is a hybridization of infesting and devastating. If you had a question about that word.
I like your ideas but I really don't want to go into that territory it ain't my cup of tea and I know I would definitely screw up the execution in some way.

But once again, thank you for the thoughtful critique!

Last edited on 12 Sep 2026 14:17 by Writer123 Show more