Sunset / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Sunset.

Critiques

padri 28 Nov 2012 19:34

I love the tempo in this poem! However, the punctuation is a little inconsistant. In all but the last two verse paragraphs, each and every line ends in a period regardless of the necessity of said period, while the last two verse paragraphs are more grammatically correct. You could choose to go either way; if you want it to sound especially clipped and chopped, go with the periods. I don't think you need them, though; the meter gives that sense by itself and you can stand to remove some of the periods.
Also, I'm having a bit of trouble with the word "ultimate" in stanza three. It doesn't seem to fit, and it doesn't give a clear image. Perhaps a different word?

Daily Reviews Pt 4 Ep 3

Agent MacLeod 25 May 2019 04:30

Interesting to see something based loosely on real history here. Nary a hint of the paranormal, just a look at something deeply traumatic. Though I must admit some confusion; did the West German government really engage in shady stuff like this or was that meant to be "East German," or was it supposed to be a reference to the German government circa 1933-1945? Another nitpick I have to make is whether the author has any personal investment in German history; these things tend to have more weight when written with personal experience behind it. Regardless, I feel this poem definitely has a place in our Library.

Avelon21 10 May 2020 05:21

Like Padri, I question the the quality of the poem in terms of structure, but I like the historical connection.

Still, poetry form is a big deal to me, so -1.