The First Blood / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page The First Blood.

DrEverettMann 31 May 2010 04:22

I can't upvote this one as is. But it's got potential. There are just a few things I'd change.

First off, "vital fluid" just seems like a bit of an awkward phrasing for folklore. Try to find a better way of phrasing it. Second, the flow of the story makes it a little hard to figure out which brother died. It's Foresight, yes, but you could make that a bit more clear.

I'm unsure on the name "Industry." Just doesn't sit right with me. But that's more personal preference. Yoric seems to like the name.

tunedtoadeadchannel 31 May 2010 04:24

I do. But yeh, the phrasing feels awkward. But I can't think of how to fix it at the moment, and my aspie cousin seems to be stuck in something again, so I'll give it some thought in the future.

thedeadlymoose 25 Aug 2011 09:12

and then no one died except when they bled to death

Kidding (it is folklore after all), but this story isn't quite good enough for an upvote. It's not bad, though agreeing with the above comment that the phrasing makes it confusing. It's obvious Foresight dies when you think about it for a bit, but you have to pull yourself out of the story and reread to do so. If the obfuscation is intentional, it's not a good idea because it's obvious anyway. If the obfuscation is unintentional, it's not a good idea because it's confusing to read. Fix.

Still, I like that it's two brothers and one volunteers to die for the good of mankind; a nice twist on the ole Cain and Able "first murder" thing.

Last edited on 25 Aug 2011 09:13 by thedeadlymoose Show more

Staff Post

RJB_R 16 Nov 2012 00:36

This article has come up for review. Please take the time to read, vote and comment if you have not already done so.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

Plilt 16 Nov 2012 02:46

I believe this is very similar to some Native American tales; I shall ask around with those that would know.

Plilt 16 Nov 2012 22:43

Quoth those who would know:

In the Native creation stories that I have read, the brothers usually quarrel and fight (kind of like Cain and Abel), acting as symbols of good and bad, or id and ego; they are clearly both gods and men – i.e., they are born, can create and shape life; and when one “kills” the other it is clear that it’s not really death. Generally they don’t have any problem shaping the land and creating trees, birds, etc. as desired. Also, I’m not familiar with any indigenous cultures that would use terms like “Industry” and “Foresight.”

So not a total ripoff.

(account deleted) 10 May 2020 05:33

I agree that this isn't the best. But it is a decent example of the short style of Library works that used to be so common. I'd also recommend the aforementioned suggestions.