Hello, I'm a forum thread.

Summary:

This is my description, where I ask for feedback about the draft linked in my contents.

Hello, I'm a forum thread.

RecursiveRecursion 05 Sep 2017 00:52

Hi, this is the first thing I've attempted to write for this site, so hopefully it is good and does not suck.
Link is here, and the draft in question is 'Hello, I'm a Story'.

Show explanation and stuff

So, the general feel I was going for with this is that, through the character of the story, you're getting a glimpse into a world that we can't really understand. I was really inspired by stuff like Yume Nikki, or This is My House. Since this is supposed to read like a person talking directly to you, it may feel a little too conversational or stilted at times, which is a concern of mine, pls tell me if it feels too much so, i wrote it to be purple but i think making it magenta is bad. One major problem I had was that I wasn't exactly sure how to end it, so I went with the character contemplating on its own existence, to sort of make it relatable. The character is essentially the only thing that has a connection between this world and its own, but is unable to properly communicate with anything, which has made it a bit bonkers (for example, it constantly swings between antagonizing the reader when predicting their responses, and treating them as some sort of higher being).

Overall, I wanted it to feel mysterious and engaging, but at the same time leave you with the feeling that something about it is unnerving or 'off' while you were reading. You'd love to sit down and chat with him, but you don't really like hanging out.

Any and all feedback is appreciated, hopefully it doesn't suck :>
(Also I saw this forum hasn't been used in a while, I hope this is still the right place to post such things as I'm unable to hang out in chat for very long.)

Last edited on 06 Sep 2017 19:34 by RecursiveRecursion Show more

Re: Hello, I'm a forum thread.

RJB_R 07 Sep 2017 00:03

I found the voice of the narrator to be compelling but I wasn't able to escape that nothing seems to really happen. It has a somewhat sinister tone which was enjoyable but by the end it really didn't feel like it was adding up to anything. A better way to end this might be to build on how the story doesn't want to be forgotten or remembered wrong and talk about how now that it has infiltrated your brain that it can propagate itself in some fashion. A more concrete or at least more striking ending like that would really complement the stronger parts of the piece.

Keep working on this! It has promise. Reminds me of some of the stuff Dmatix wrote on the SCP Wiki.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

Re: Hello, I'm a forum thread.

RecursiveRecursion 07 Sep 2017 03:00

Thanks, Roget! Yeah, that's an issue I had as I was writing it, I felt like I could go on for hours about how this guy feels as a totally alien creature, but I couldn't really figure out how to end it, or what to build up to. Thanks for the advice!

E: If you're checking back, I've made a some significant edits to the end, I'll run it by the chat later if anyone's on, but feel free to check it if you want. :>

Last edited on 07 Sep 2017 03:28 by RecursiveRecursion Show more

Re: Hello, I'm a forum thread.

RJB_R 08 Sep 2017 14:27

I definitely feel it comes off a lot stronger. Makes me think of Fred's sociopathic brother. The friendliness and sinisterness of the tone made it enjoyable for me. I like this iteration.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

Re: Hello, I'm a forum thread.

RecursiveRecursion 08 Sep 2017 17:18

Thanks! I'll run it by the chat later today if anyone is on, possibly post it by today or tomorrow!