No drafts on the mainsite. It's in the rules. the sandbox instead if you're looking for critique.
Titles should be in all caps. "A Short Time Ago".
Paragraph formatting should have extra spaces between them, like what I'm doing, for readability.
Vary your syntax up. Your diction isn't the worst I've seen, but it's all in clipped, simple sentences that make it a pain to read.
Some of your descriptions are kind of bland, especially "Her long blonde hair went down to her waist while her green eyes gave her a fey like appearance" and "She was exotic, rare like a pearl in a sea of empty oysters."
It's a good start, but needs more meat on its bones. Something other than just a quick summary. If you want an emotional impact, you need to get the reader actually caring about or invested in the events going on, which is hard to do with this little writing.
This has potential, and I'd like to see you bring it to completion, but it needs work. Also, use the sandbox next time. I would recommend coming into [http://wanderers-library.wikidot.com/system:real-time-chat|#wandererslibrary] as well.
I'll give deeper feedback later but it's pretty late right now.
