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Hi all. I’m new and would greatly appreciate some crit on my first attempt at a submission.
It’s the ‘Odour Memory’ tab here:
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/waxwings-birdbox
It’s a short, sentimental tale in response to the front page prompt regarding sensory magic. I could use some general crit, and I’m especially interested in subjective emotional response to this piece.
Okay, here we go. I got a PM about this, and I love me some short sweet tales. Here are my thoughts:
Overall, a solid piece! I feel like it's definitely relatable—I personally love scented candles and scent diffusers and there are a lot of smells that make me feel nostalgic. I didn't quite understand the ending (I'm guessing Basil was asleep in a hospital or something while he was experiencing the events of the story?) or the significance of the last fragrance being smoke, though. Can you explain what was happening then?
Thanks so much Zyn.
The ending was intended to imply that the experience was analogous to his life flashing before his eyes at the moment of death, and him understanding/coming to terms with that fact right at the end as the perfumer holds his hand. I chose smoke as the final sample as I couldn’t think of any better scent to symbolise death. I imagine that he’s dying of smoke inhalation whilst asleep at home (perhaps having started a fire by leaving an oven or something like that, due to an implied memory condition).
Do you think that’s suitable, and, if so, could you suggest any changes to convey it better?
I could either drop the smoke aspect entirely and just have him smelling the mysterious sample and suddenly coming to the realisation that he’s dying, or I could make it more evident that there’s a fire, perhaps him feeling heat or hearing the crackling of flames. There might be a better way to handle it. I’m not sure. Originally I tried to foreshadow it with a log fire in the perfumer’s hearth, but I found it muddled things, so I took that out.
The repetition in ‘smelled many smells’ was intentional; The action is repeated, plus I like how it sounds, and it leads into the further repetition with ‘workmen working’ and ‘churning, spreading, churning, spreading’. I’ll consider changing it though.
I’ll implement changes as per the rest of your advice.
I struggle with characterisation in general, and especially where it has to be concisely delivered. I get that it’s about picking out the right details to convey idiosyncrasy or a sense of character, but I find it difficult. I figured it was better to stick to dialogue near the start rather than risk bloating the story, and just let readers fill in the blanks. I suppose that that’s probably not a good approach though. Is there a guide that you’d recommend which deals with this aspect?
Would you be happy to read through my draft after a rewrite, to check whether my changes actually improve the article?
No worries if not. I appreciate the help you’ve already given me.
I chose smoke as the final sample as I couldn’t think of any better scent to symbolise death.
I mean… incense/embalming substances, hospital antiseptic, funeral home flowers, etc.? When I imagine smoke scents I think campfire, barbecue, maybe even cologne. Probably not death.
I imagine that he’s dying of smoke inhalation whilst asleep at home (perhaps having started a fire by leaving an oven or something like that, due to an implied memory condition).
I didn't pick up on that at all. It seems like a bit far of a logic jump to make from the dream to the real-life scenario, for me, especially with the "guy apparently inadvertently started a fire, and now he's dying" exact scenario.
I could either drop the smoke aspect entirely and just have him smelling the mysterious sample and suddenly coming to the realisation that he’s dying
I mean… I probably would have set it up as the guy thinking, "wow, it smells like a florist shop. Or a funeral home." and then the perfumer just shrugs and says something like, "well, someone left some flowers on the bedside table" and let the reader put the pieces together.
Is there a guide that you’d recommend which deals with this aspect?
I don't we have any guides on characterization specifically (if we do, I'm not aware of it) for tales/prose, but for something like this I recommend thinking up small details about the guy that makes him different from the average person. The portion with the kid remembering the butterflies and his mother was excellent—it's distinct, and something unique to the character. The paragraph starting with "He smelled many smells that afternoon, with each" is a little more bland until the last memory. I recommend splitting that paragraph up into two, maybe three paragraphs, and going into a little more detail with the associated memories leading up to the diagnosis/tarmac bit. More than just "this was the smell of this", go into "this was the smell of the memory of this". Maybe even describe those specific smells too. Guy's sniffing perfume, might as well give the readers more description than just "sweet" and "surgical" and the like.
Would you be happy to read through my draft after a rewrite, to check whether my changes actually improve the article?
It's sweet and short, so I don't see why not!
This was really nice. I liked the tension it subtly built midway through. It helped the sudden ending make a bit more sense and coherent.
