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I was digging through my old files and found this little piece,
http://wanderers-sandbox.wikidot.com/greene-s-sandbox
Its the title "Stay with me until the apocalypse sings", I want to know if there's any merit in this.
Stay with me until the apocalypse sings
Good title.
Sinners shall sing,
Poets reciting,
Whores losing touch,
Men breaking crutch.
Sinners shall sing is a good line but it doesn't flow well to the line about poets. Also why talk about poets in this stanza? What's the image you want to convey?
I don't get the Whores and Men lines. Men are breaking crutches at the end of time? Uh… okay? Whores forgot how sex works? Sure? It doesn't make sense from an emotionally resonant level.
How long will it be,
To finally see,
The world that was spinning,
To end with our singing.
This is the stanza with the most cohesion. I can see the end rhyme scheme and not be distracted by the strangeness of the choices you make in the lines. I should also point out that this type of poem is really simplistic. You want to have more here than just these simple words unless you want to go intentionally minimalistic.
Hold me just one more time,
It all feels like a crime,
But this is it finally,
As choirs sing haplessly.
What feels like a crime? What does hapless singing mean? Are choirs literally falling over during songs?
So let us see each other,
Halfway across the border,
Out the end of the world,
Each other, we are curled.
The last line of the stanza is awkward. Really awkward. Like you were looking for a rhyme for "world" and landed on something early in the rhyming dictionary.
So to it all, is just bittersweet feelings.
So stay with me until the apocalypse sings.
Okay? Sure? I don't really get what's going on here. Not even from an emotional sense.
Ok I might have to explain things,
The crutch has other meanings.
It was supposed to be helplessly, don't know why I wrote haplessly.
Yes I was looking looking for a rhyme for "world", is that a crime?
The rest well, yeah I get your point. I know most of it is confusing, I wrote this when I was a kid and didn't do much to improve it in later life, I'll try to fix the flaws you pointed out and make it more cohesive.
What's the other meaning of "crutch"?
Two things actually:
1. "Emotional crutch" from tvtropes.
2. archaic: another term for crotch (of the body or a garment).
I got this from a dictionary.
Right…
And what does that mean, exactly?
What does any of this poem mean? What's it about? What's the central idea? The themes?
I like to evoke a little mind screw into this poem, but maybe it was too much, basically a bittersweet love poem surrounding the bleakness end.
If you've got love going on, try and explore that more, maybe it make it a bit clearer. Contrary to popular belief, good poetry is supposed to be clear and understandable, if also deep and intricate.
Try and explore the nature of this relationship. Find some interesting imagery. Give the reader something to imagine or conceive of so they actually have an idea of what the poem's about.
EDIT: Also, remember that you don't need to rhyme, but you do generally need to have a metre. Rhyming is used to connect two lines and enhance the flow, but you need a consistent metre unless it's like, free verse. The sets the flow so the poem isn't a pain to read.
EDIT EDIT: Also, "free verse" isn't just "words in no particular order." It's just more flexible, but it still has to have flow. All poems have to have flow unless you have a very good reason for them not to.
Thanks, I'm reworking on a lot of stuff for it, like trying to fix the rhythm and cohesion, it'll probably take a while, hope this works.
Um. Who cares? "Men losing crutch" as referring to crotches is like… stupid. Why would people's pants suddenly lose their crotches? Why does that relate to ineffectual whores at all?
Gonna agree with everything Vivax said and say that I personally think you're not really giving us any content here, the rhyming is weird and makes things disjointed, and I feel that there's a lot of improvement to be made here. Good luck and keep working at it!
I wanted to make it romantically weird, in a good way. So yeah.
It's not romantically weird in a good way. It's nonsensical.
