The Wanderer's Library
Collections
Browse…
Community
Join & Create!
Thank you, I decided to change a tiny bit. It sounded better in my head. If it seemed awkward I kinda changed a lot of things during its critique phase because apparently the original also sounded like a metaphor for abused women throughout history or the damsel in distress trope and I didn't want to go that angle.
But once again thank you!
Hi, thank you so much for your thoughtful advices! So sorry for putting you through that draft, it wasn't until I started to edit the grammars that I noticed how bad it was. I do now have an edited version under my best efforts with a lot of page organization upgrades! Please have a look if you'd like, but of course, no pressure on anything. Again, thank you very much for being willing to look through the very rough draft!
Link to new draft: http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/collab:beneath-thirty-three-skies
Parts of this seem to read awkwardly.
The cherishes their ancestors used to pour unto me
It's all gone.
for instance, reads kind of weird because cherishes is a verb. You're not listing a lot of different things that have gone so saying "it's all gone" makes it feel like there's a longer list of things that are missing that we're only seeing part of.
That said, your intent here comes through clearly. It was probably come through even if you hadn't used the term "Ever-resting." The long lines, the pointlessness of reaching the summit; what you're talking about is quite obvious and that helps some of the imagery work.
Hello, I’m Daily Sinnxr—better known as Ethan Makarov from the Indonesian branch of the SCP Wiki. It’s been a long time since I’ve been active in any community. I really enjoy sci-fi, cosmic horror, and psychological horror.
I’m particularly interested in stories revolving around biblical events, and I hope to receive some guidance here.
As I've said before, I didn't really find this piece too attractive upon first reading it. It felt, plain, too derivative and needlessly abstract for what it needed to be, and it frustrated me quite a bit. I decided to give the piece a fair look again after a moment and found myself reflecting on what I was thinking and connecting with the piece more due to the complications that I was dealing with.
In taking my time, I found that I wasn't too different from who was speaking, and that putting myself in the complicated storm of emotions in birthing yourself and reflecting upon your surroundings and the simple things such as touch and sight, along with meeting the complicated concepts head on and giving them names was something more meaningful I would have missed upon an initial viewing. I appreciate this writing, and the author, as well as the process behind creation. His name is Patience.
"—I said, with a posed look."
Despite the undead being commonplace and known in this world (as described by the narrator), the two ghosts here are extremely effective as vehicles for discussing societal issues as seen by Mr. Rodriguez1.
I found the idea of a "professional ghost" just as humorous and strange as Mr. Rodriguez did at first blush, but it's quickly belied by Stephan's disruptive and destructive nature. The landlord's decision to change their living space into a vacation rental is a double whammy of upturning in the friends' lives (or, uh, unlife for Gregorio).
Gregorio was a victim of political violence in decades prior, Mr. Rodriguez has to deal with sprawl and pollution2, and the pair are both upended by gentrification. Same shit, different day.
I'm just glad that Mr. Rodriguez did some quick thinking to prevent his friend from turning into a mindless husk (or worse, a ruthlessly exploited person). Also, I learned new Mexican slang!
+1
Thank you. I've added in some additional hints that should help make it a little more obvious that something might be going on here. I don't feel I can simply delete the more expository bits, though—they're fundamental to the style of writing this is trying to mimic, and Fellfield included them. I might try and edit them to flow better later, if I can figure out a way or people have ideas, but I won't be deleting them.
Thanks to Anorrack and
UncannyClown for critique.
This piece is less elaborate than I'd hoped—Fellfield had dividers I'd made, and Photoshopped images. These may come in time, if I can find decent base images for editing. I hope it still interests people, though, and look forward to seeing what people have to say about it.
"Infestating" is a hybridization of infesting and devastating. If you had a question about that word. The word shadows with the "s" was also intentional.
If you saw my original piece for the contest, it's deleted and this is a new one going through the proper critique and comment critique from the comments on my original piece.
the prose is a little terse for my liking, but that's a matter of personal taste, and i enjoy a lot of the more incidental worldbuilding going on throughout the piece — the effect of feeling like a small peek into a much larger world is achieved quite nicely. what i don't enjoy are the more direct expositional asides, where the narrator takes two or three paragraphs to talk at me about various aspects of the local environment. they break up the pacing of the story, and i find them dry and uninteresting. i would suggest cutting everything that can't nicely be integrated into the overarching narrative and ending on the wanderers finding safety without the two paragraphs of additional worldbuilding in the middle of that sequence.
as for the twisted time, i didn't really find that it came across at all in the piece, unfortunately. the bones being of the same species as the wanderers isn't sufficient to imply that idea on its own when it's suggested that this group is merely a small component of a much larger effort to explore and understand this world, i don't think. i assume at least a little subtlety is desired, but one extra little crumb of familiarity for the narrator could go a long way, i think.
poet
a beautiful look into the ordinary and the thoughtless. your posts always make me think of what I miss
"—I said, with a posed look."
"—I said, with a posed look."
Rough draft is the first tab here. LBL would be appreciated if possible. I am trying to subtly hint at a sort of twisted time here—not exactly a time loop, but the wanderers found their own bodies in their own lost campsite.
Thank you for the thoughtful critique!
I decided to change some stuffs a little and regarding the gender dynamics, that actually wasn't my intention at all.
I don't know if the slight changes make it clear now. "Infestating" is a hybridization of infesting and devastating. If you had a question about that word.
I like your ideas but I really don't want to go into that territory it ain't my cup of tea and I know I would definitely screw up the execution in some way.
But once again, thank you for the thoughtful critique!
the pacing seems fine to me, and the message definitely comes across. the phrasing is a consistently a little off in a way that i have difficulty placing, but i enjoy bits like "the anewness of things" and "neon moths," and the grammar seems fine aside from some moments where the tense briefly switches from past to present. it's definitely comprehensible at the surface level. this would be a tough thing to consider/implement ahead of the commentchamp deadline, but the main thing i would invite you to consider is the implications of gendering everest in the way that you do. depicting the commercialized everest as a once-worshiped and powerful woman reduced to waiting for a "king" to deliver her from her plight adds a patriarchal layer to the piece that i would be interested to see examined more closely. is there something distinctly masculine about the impulse to "conquer" a large and inhospitable place like everest? might the commercialized everest have anything in common with exploited women in our society? what does it say that the only way out everest can imagine is the deliverance of a benevolent king? there's a lot of intriguing possibilities in there. just something to contemplate.
poet
I appreciate any form of feedback given. I hope you guys find it to your liking
dot dot dot
thanks vvvolt
Alright If you saw my original piece for the contest and are wondering where it is. I deleted it. I just didn't like it to be honest so I'm starting afresh. My original I didn't go through the critique process and it was pretty trash but through all the comment critique from my original work for the contest, I think I managed to fix it. But of course, I need critique with 2 specific things.
The pacing and phrasing.
And the grammar…
Also, is my message understandable? like as in you understand the metaphor since it's supposed to be a like a allegorish or extended metaphorish about the commercialization of Mount Everest. Ignore the other tabs those are for a different project.
Here's the link:
http://wanderers-sandbox-2.wikidot.com/writer123-sandbox
Also I need help with coming up with a new title or should I use my original title which was titled, "The Mountress."
Echoing Maxyfran above about the narrator’s predicament.
The brutish nature of the ritualists(?) and animals(?) gives off an ethereal quality when experienced by the narrator. The second and third stanzas highlight this transition from grounded (even if it’s peculiar to the reader) to esoteric and unreal.
I spoiled myself by translating the title before reading this, but it leaves me wondering about the origin of our narrator.
+1
Thank you for your comment! I am very flattered someone put this much thought into analyzing something t wrote. I do agree that this poem could benefit from greater specificity. I wrote it right after I ran up a mountain so it was really stream-of-conciseness, and I barely touched it before posting. So yeah, it lacks a little form.
Thanks for the kind words, and good crit. You have my vote for Comment Champ!
Sent from the Second Circle of Hell