So, right off the bat, in terms of shadow CSS: I vibe with it heavily, I am down. Big fan. Now, I'm biased in my love for doing weird stuff with CSS so take it with a grain of salt. So of course I am in the field of applying it to all of their dialogue, but I can see how that'd be a burden and maybe a bit cumbersome for the reader. In my stubbornness, I still say go for it, but that's my I'm-not-the-one-making-this take. If you end up not applying it to all of the dialogue, I'm hesitant to say to keep the first instance. It's really cool, but out of place. Ultimately up to you though.
the sound making a pulsating attempt at blowing Elbow’s audios out.
Elbows' name is already plural, so the possessive apostrophe should be either like this:
Elbows'
Or like this (the objectively wrong way, and there is no argument that can be made where I change my mind):
Elbows's
They’d read the brochure.
"The wise fool, or the wisdom of the fool, is a form of literary paradox in which, through a narrative, a character recognized as a fool comes to be seen as a bearer of wisdom. A recognizable trope found in stories and artworks from…"
- Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.
Shaking as the wind whipping over their narrow body they clung to the side
There's a few ways to fix the issue here. Either reword it to something like this: "Shaking, the wind whipping over their narrow body, they clung to the side…" or like this: "Shaking as the wind whipped over their narrow body, they clung to the side…" The comma in the second one is more optional, I suppose, since you seem to be going for a rapid-hit, unpausing action kinda flow.
I couldn't help but think of the stupid "Here's what you'd look like if you were Black or Chinese" dude when I typed out "or like this:". I think I'm officially brainrot'd.
the long-broken speaker replaced the mech’s radio-tech.
Need to throw in a "by" after "replaced", otherwise you're suggesting that his voice box replaced the radio-tech rather than the other way around.
He was slower, maybe not as strong, maybe not as angry. But he was just as sharp and twice as bastardly.
I'd make an argument for this being once sentence, but up to you.
Spittlestring was moving to intercept the second, harpoon guns wielded to Rebenca’s middle limbs dragging spools of cable
"wielded" —> "welded", I presume.
Alright, onto the questions.
1. Saw no "shadow trees".
2. Me personally? I liked seeing Eithenin climb in then just decimate a tank. It showed that he'd reached his destination, continued on his thread of story.
3. Yeah I think so. Even in the old draft, it wasn't that bad, I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. (Also, it's steelwool, you Europeean.)
4. Honestly, I have no real idea what was going on. I know it was the Olristaan that we know and love, though I dunno if that's my brain keeping track of info spoonfed to me over the past year or so, or my memory from the old draft. I figured it was something that'd be clarified on in later pieces, as I know there's a bit of a self-reflection of the anomalous persuasion planned for her (if that plan still stands).
5. Not really a question, but I think it's fine.
6. Easy to follow? Yeah. Viscerally unpleasant? I dunno, but I also can't attest to whether or not that's your writing because I rarely get that response to violence in fiction in general. So don't take my word for it. Though, I will say, a lack of Spittlestring perspective left his death somewhat lackluster, though that's an assumption on my part. Be sure to take this up with other critters.
7. I'll admit that it does end pretty abruptly, but given that it's a fighting scene divvied up into parts, I'm not sure how avoidable that is.
8. Honestly, I have no idea lol. I'm fully assured at this point knowing that Tinker's sex joke will still be in there, that was the only part I was worried about.
