I Have Fallen In Love
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i have fallen in love

with the pervasive feeling.

i put a name to this feeling

when i walked out the door into the garden

and the dusty, earthy scents of my childhood

i insist doesn’t exist

struck me in passing

like a brief glimpse

of a girl's sweater i knew,

the smell of a nameless flower, and coffee for the aeropress

and fabric softener

i think the word is loss,

or a loss in all things.

and so i’m enamored

with this blue light cast over everything

not from anywhere but as if borne from everything, not the atoms even but their constituent particles

and i’m told that it won’t be like this forever.

but how could it not be?

when i imagine it i don’t imagine a small thing

i can pluck out of my nervous system and discard like a

weeks-old dead flower from a secluded vase

but i envision the feeling instead as a blue sky.

vast, limitless

to explore and to look at and smile at in nice weather.

it arches over my home and my old schools and everywhere i’ve known and it is

one with all things,

its numinous shape fused into my spine.

i see this blue sky of loss in the sleet hitting a broken skylight

and in the faded persian carpet

and when i look inside a piano and see its delicate mechanisms;

its subtlety like an animal's body,

purring and chirping to me, with a personality i become fond of

and i try to imagine loving that sweater smell again

or being in love without thinking about this loss, but

instead i find myself deeply romantic with that same psychic form, that numinous thing.

so now i want to brush that blue sky's cheek and tell it that i trust it and love it and always have,

and for it to hold me so i can feel its warmth

in my lungs like a raincloud i’d swallowed.

i want for myself to touch my fingers to that feeling's hair

and for it to look me in the eyes

with its eyes exactly like mine

and gently smile.

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