Application of Cartesian-Normal Markov Chains to Problems in Forensic Ontology

Author: Mr.¹ Jack Manganese, University of [illegible]², Department of Statistical-Philosophy³
Publication Date: 2013-Jan-12

Abstract
The burgeoning field of forensic ontology suffers from a number of serious shortcomings, most notably the extreme difficulty in detecting even trace amounts of non-existent and semi-existent evidence. This paper discusses a computationally efficient method to epistemologically extrapolate the most probable phenomena at any level of existence, including imaginary, post-extant, pre-extant, semi-extant, fully extant, and negatively extant objects. An elementary and explicit theoretical analysis of this procedure will be given, followed by examples of the method in practical use.

References

1.	Mn, J. (12 Jan 2013 04:40). How Grandmother Triode Stole Binary from the Sun. Letters of the Society for Geometric-Ontology, 7(19), p. 86.

2.	Mn, J. (23 Mar 2013 17:38). A Series of Irksome Rectangles. Letters of the Society for Geometric-Ontology, 13(14), p. 66.

3.	Mn, J. (23 Feb 2013 08:06). Leavings Of Another World. Letters of the Society for Geometric-Ontology, 11(8), p. 62.

4.	Mn, J. (28 Dec 2012 17:00). And We Slipped Away. Le Journal de Mathématiques Occultes, 7(8), p. 50.

5.	Mn, J. (24 Dec 2012 07:20). The Fifth Syllable. Le Journal de Mathématiques Occultes, 16(6), p. 45.

6.	Mn, J. (20 Feb 2013 02:37). From Our Mailbag. Le Journal de Mathématiques Occultes, 25(5), p. 29.

7.	Mn, J. (06 Jan 2013 14:30). Every Story, Someday. Applied Quantum Para-Logic, 7(6), p. 26.

ω0.	Mn, J. (12 Jan 2013 08:30). Application of Cartesian-Normal Markov Chains to Problems in Forensic Ontology. Russell Paradox Weekly, 13(10), p. 12.

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Footnotes

1. Jack Manganese is one of the few academicians to be awarded a negative PhD for his extremely esoteric and embarrassingly useless research. Mr. Manganese will need to acquire two additional PhDs before he can claim the title of "doctor".

2. The University in question has disavowed this research and especially disavowed the author.

3. It is highly unlikely that any self-respecting university would have such a department.