Kick the Gnome
rating: +8+x

Delivery instructions: kick the lawn gnome, then come in it's open

Mike sighed as he pulled up to the house. He always wound up getting the weirdos. At least, in his experience, they tended to tip more.

He rang the doorbell. The order said the door was open, but he was carrying two larges and a bag of two-liters.

"Kick the gnome!" a nasally voice yelled from inside.

Mike stepped back and looked down. There was a little green gnome statue on his right with a pipe in its hand. He turned back to the door. "I'm sorry?"

"Not hard, just, just jostle 'm a bit," the voice replied.

Mike looked down at the gnome again. He had a happy little face on and seemed to be quite content just staring at Mike's shoes. "Why?"

"'Cause he's a dick, that's why!"

Mike would shrug if he didn't care about the fate of the pizzas he was holding. He shifted his weight and gave the gnome a nudge. A few awkward seconds passed. "Hello?" he said.

"Oh, he's here!" a feminine voice responded this time. "Come in, it's open!"

Mike was hesitant, but also didn't want to stand out here in the cold much longer.

He hadn't really noticed how crummy the outside of the house looked until he opened the door and saw its interior. A massive room with a hanging emerald chandelier near the high ceiling wasn't quite what Mike was expecting to be on the inside of this rural house in slight disrepair. Neither did he expect the bookcases, the intricately-woven rug spanning most of the room, the enormous painting depicting well-dressed raccoons marvelling at a totem pole, and the man with no nose sitting on the couch. A woman stood up from the other side of the couch, but as Mike was still taking in everything else, he barely noticed her approach.

"Hi, hey!" she said to the bewildered pizza boy. "I'll take that, thanks~"

Mike automatically handed the boxes over to her, turning to the wardrobe he just stepped out of. He couldn't even form a question in response. Of course, he had plenty in his mind at the moment, but his mouth was just as surprised as he was.

"Zebo," the girl taking the bag of soda off Mike's arm said, "help yourself to a slice~"

The man with no nose didn't open his mouth. Instead, he lifted an appendage. It looked like a hand, but when it vibrated it produced a sound that almost resembled speech.

"One's cheese," she replied as she set the drinks down next to the table, "and the other's pepperoni. Start with something simple~"

Mike watched a dwarf with eight arms climb around a corner and place a few books onto the higher shelves. He heard the hand speak again, but he looked down at some of the titles on the shelves. An Introduction to Applying Chocomancy caught his eye. Mike thought to reach for it, but the spider-dwarf beat him to it. It climbed around the same corner it entered without so much as acknowledging Mike or the other people in the room.

"Excuse me," the woman's voice brought Mike back to reality (or whatever he was currently experiencing.) She held out a five and a twenty for him. "You can keep the change~"

Mike took a few moments to process this before remembering that he was a pizza delivery guy, and that they need to pay for their pizza, magic library or not.

"R-right," he finally spoke, "uhh, receipt's in the bag, with the soda…"

"Thank you so much," she smiled at him as the man with the talking hands took a slice of pepperoni out of the box. "Have a wonderful day~"

"Y-you too," Mike found himself walking back out the door, money in hand. The door closed quietly behind him. He stood there a few minutes, trying to wrap his head around what had happened. He started back to his car only to stop and turn around. No one would believe him if he told them, but he felt like he had to say something. His eyes fell onto the gnome by the door. Finally, he managed a word.


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