Lost World
rating: +15+x


This entry contains mentions of Genocide, Suicide, PTSD related flashbacks, and Intrusive thoughts. Read at your own risk.

You know, you're sick.

I know.

So how's your life now? Is it all that you'd imagined it would be?

No. It isn’t.

50 years and this is what you have to show for it. Fame and glory, am I right?

I took a sip of my coffee. The bitterness of the coffee mingled with the sweetness of the sugar. It left a sour taste in my mouth, but I couldn't bear to spit it out. It sent a shiver up my spine. Setting the cup on the table, I looked around. My house was the same as it always was: lonely, sad, and dark.

Don't try to change the subject.

I'm not…

You miss that day, don't you?


Then why didn't you put a stop to it?

It was right. I should have stopped it, said something. I should have stood up. I was stupid then, even more so than I am now. I was much more stupid than I am now. Letting out a sigh, I bring my good hand to my face. History repeats itself, and I'm no different, am I? I found it ironic that I was the only one left of the military that took those actions. We were all so young back then, so naive. My body started to shake. It wasn't our world to do what we wanted with.

Do you think it's fair?


That you got to live.


I stood up, feeling the carpet under my feet. My old bones don’t hold up as they used to. I had grown used to the voices interrogating me. I welcomed it. It was my penance for that day… The history will almost certainly die with me. It was top secret, and the only thing known by the actual public was the ongoing war.

I don’t have anything to do, and it's as good a day as any to take a visit to my greatest shame. I made my way across the carpeted living room, taking my coat from the coat rack. It wasn’t a long way, and if I could catch the bus I would be there quicker. If I was being honest with myself, I didn’t want to go, but I knew I wouldn’t get a chance on the anniversary.

You were wrong.

I know.

My house was run down and the grass was overgrown. As ugly as it was, it was my home. I deserved the roof leaks, mold, and rotting floor. Besides, it wasn’t like I could fix the issues even if I wanted to. My old body wouldn’t let me get up half the time. There was no way I could fix a house.

I often found myself dreading my yearly visits, yet this time it was welcomed. I didn’t feel the cold fear, or the tremors, or sadness I normally felt then I visited. No, this time, it felt like a warm wave cascading over me. I was granted a minute of relaxation.

The city was busy and quite ugly. It never compared to the beauty of natural landscaping. Crunching of the grass filled my ears as I started my way toward the main road. I was fortunate enough to live near it. The purple sky was considerably better than Earth’s blue. Stars shine throughout every minute of the day, and other planets are just visible enough. It was all so pretty, such a shame we found it. Though, I can’t say I’m not glad…

I approached the large crack on the Earth. Pink and white carnations grew along the sides of the cave opening. I looked over the edge, most of the houses looked like small toys. Water was still pooled at the bottom, and I could make out wood and minecarts. Sighing, I sat down at the edge, letting my feet dangle. The weight of my body left me, and I closed my eyes. The serene sound of the world took me away.

I crouched behind the giant tank of water, feeling my heart pound in my chest. It was too late to turn back. I would be a hero to humanity, everyone in my quadrant told me so. The Captain himself told me so. We would do this for fame, glory, and to finally win the war. The grass was softer than that on Earth. The world seemed so big, as if I were so small. The people down there didn’t deserve this. They didn’t deserve mass genocide of their people.

”Fame and glory.” I whispered to myself.

”Fame and glory.”

I stood up, puffing my chest and putting on my best game face. Morals didn’t matter in war. What was I even saying before? It's kill or get killed, and I sure as hell wasn’t about to die. I found myself helping with the buckets. Thousands upon thousands of gallons were going to be dropped. How we got that much water was beyond me.

It felt good to finally make up my mind. It felt good to finally be on the right side of history. It felt so good to finally be included. I was making the right choice.

The sweet smell of carnations ran through the air. Everything was ready, we just needed confirmation from the ground crew. Goosebumps rose on my skin as excitement grew in me. Everything we worked for would become a reality. The war would have no choice but to end. I was ripped out of my thoughts by the sound of Master Sergeant Guyy’s voice sounding over the hundreds of army members.

That was our signal.

We rushed in waves of two, each group dumping their large tanks into the cavern below, the sound of rushing water and sloshing filled our ears and gave us pride. Each group parted ways to load up the buckets once more. It wasn’t too late for me to back out. It wasn’t too late for me to stop. I snuffed out those thoughts like a cigarette under a shoe. It was my turn. I moved with my group. We heaved and water went cascading down. My heart banged, and I was sure my crewmates could hear it. I fought to keep my breath under control and to stay together.

I struggled to figure out what I had become. I struggled to understand why I let this happen. I couldn’t find the reasons, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t stop it. I just did.

”Fame and glory.” I whispered again.

Nothing can ever repay my sins.

You’re right.

I should go as they did.

I swallowed my defeat. I stood up, looking down over the ruins of the city I had destroyed. I took a step back, preparing myself. I lurched forward and the grass crunched one last time as I let the fast moving air cradle me. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see anymore, and I let my feelings go. Tears left my eyes, suspending in the air as I smiled. I felt not terror, but peace. This felt right. It was something I should have done years ago.

Nothingness consumed me as I hit the frigid water below.

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