I think I’m okay, the moment your words touch my ears 🎈
The times you reassure me, endless nights up
spitting platitudes until my heart swells up until
I
burst
and and
and it
up up all
and comes
back
down.
Then
like
clockwork-
my brain corrects and I'm stuck stable again
trying to poke and prod every facet of my own mind
with some amount
unexpected success.
I think I'm okay until I notice
a piece of me I do not like and when
I try to claw at the mass
it crawls like disease
through rain gutters into my head
and your whispers are thrown
to wind-
the
I'm flooded with the thoughts
that I promised I would not
touch and like that puppy love
I keep wanting more and more to
fill my brain until I say maybe the
lead tastes better
than your bitter love.
I ask if I deserve this body that you wrongly bestowed
upon my child-like mind
one that I could not change without the use
of disgusting things that remind me of what you
forced down my throat like stuffing.
I ask if I will be here to see those I love
yet who I wish a death most horrible
would change if only they knew
that I had thoughts of them too.
I ask
and do not receive
the test of faith
failed once again
and I wonder
if your eyes still watch me
like he said they do.