Why?
Why am I suddenly stressed?
Maybe it’s just time marching on.
What am I supposed to be doing?
It’s a question I’ve asked for so long.
Do I want to write something funny?
Do I want to write something sad?
How do I control my emotions?
Am I even really a dad?
I can’t keep writing,
I have tears in my eyes.
My soul is screaming
As I stare into the skies.
I keep on looking,
And I can’t describe why.
I know she loves me.
So why did she die?
Beautiful Girl
My daughter is a beautiful girl.
Sometimes I see her when I close my eyes.
She smiles at me and gives me kisses.
And for just a moment, the world is alright.
That’s why my face is wet, from all the kisses.
Not from my tears.
I wish I’d gotten to hold her.
Just once.
You Know What It’s Like
Dear Lord in Heaven,
You know what it’s like to have a child die.
But yours came back after 3 days,
So why on Earth can’t mine?
You knew Jesus would come back,
You sent Him to his cross.
It really makes me wonder, Lord
What you know of loss.
Now I don’t mean to question you,
But now I cannot lie:
I wonder if you felt what I feel
When your child died.
What to Say
People don’t know what to say
When I say my daughter is in Heaven.
Sometimes they just walk away,
But I wish I could talk about her more.
I just love her so much, you see,
Like any parent would.
Sometimes
Sometimes I see her
When I close my eyes at night
Sometimes I feel her
Try to dry tears from my eyes
Sometimes I hear her
When I let my soul take flight
Someday I’ll meet her
When in my grave I lie
But until then, she’s in my heart
My daughter, a Star in the sky
I Wish I Could Worry
I wish I could worry about you,
But I never got to.
You’re somewhere perfect,
Somewhere I’m not with you.
I don’t want to be jealous,
I don’t want to blame,
Now you’re in God’s hands
Though you still have our name.
You were everything to us.
You weren’t here long.
And I’m still going to worry
That I did something wrong.
Standing on a Hill
I once had a vision—
It wasn’t a dream, because I was awake,
But I closed my eyes, and saw a big field of lush, green grass,
And there was a steep hill on the other side of the field.
Standing at the top of the hill I saw my Grammy, who had died half a year before, and my Pop-pop, who had died years earlier.
There were lots of other people standing with them atop the hill. Some I thought I recognized, but my attention was held by someone else.
At the bottom of the hill was a little girl, slowly climbing the steep slope towards the others.
I wanted to call out to the girl, ask her, beg her, to come back, but somehow I knew I couldn’t.
The little girl reached the top of the hill, and my Grammy lifted her up in her arms, smiling like she used to smile at me and my sisters.
The little girl turned to look at me. She had a face like mine, or like my wife’s, or maybe both. I had never seen her before, but I knew who she was. Nobody had ever seen her before, because she had died before anyone had had the chance.
She called out to me, telling me not to worry, because her great-grandparents were going to take care of her.
I called back and told her that I loved her. I don’t remember if she answered, but I knew she loved me too.
Then I opened my eyes.
All I Ever Want To Do
Do you lie awake at night and think of us?
Actually, I don’t know if you even sleep.
I wish I could tuck you into bed,
And see you rest without a peep.
I’d pray with you every night
And hug you when you get scared.
Should a nightmare give you fright,
I’d hold you close, no matter where.
I really should be sleeping,
It’s almost one in the morning.
But now my mind is reeling
With words that need recording.
Because all I ever want to do
Is lie awake and think of you.
It’s Not Fair
WARNING: This poem in particular is angry and touches on topics that are even more controversial. Many of the feelings I express are feelings I'm ashamed of, but I cannot deny their existence.
It’s not fair.
My wife gets so upset, so angry,
And I feel I need to be calm for her.
I have no one to blame but myself,
I could get just as upset as her,
Just as angry,
I feel it every time,
But I don’t show it,
Because I think she needs me to be her rock.
I know she loves me, she’s there for me, and she’s stronger than I give her credit for,
But how can I see her upset and not want to fix everything for her?
It’s not fair.
My sister just announced her second pregnancy.
I’m happy for her.
Really, I am.
I love my sister.
But it stings.
It stings that she’s going to have two kids
While my only child never saw the light of day.
And I hate myself for feeling jealous,
I hate myself for it,
Because I know she loves me and my wife so much,
And she’d give us her child if it would help heal our pain,
But it wouldn’t.
It would just remind us of what we’ve lost.
Because nothing can replace her.
It’s not fair.
Other people get pregnant by accident.
BY ACCIDENT.
HOW?
My wife and I have tried so hard,
Doing everything we could to increase our chances,
But we’ve had only one child,
And barely for a month.
I know for some people it’s their worst nightmare, a pregnancy that was unplanned,
And I want to be sympathetic,
But I would give anything,
ANYTHING
To have a child so easily.
Part of me is jealous.
Part of me hates them.
To complain, to not want what I’d give my own life to have?
HOW?
How?
… how…?
It’s not fair.
You left us.
We’d have given you everything we could.
The best life we could offer.
And you left us.
We loved you.
We still love you.
And you left us.
You left us.
You left us.
I love you.
The Pain of Love
I want to hold you in my arms
Or take you to the park.
I want to spend a day with you
To soothe my aching heart.
To lift you high up in the air
And hear you laugh with glee,
To look into my daughter’s face
And see you smile at me.
To teach you all my favorite songs,
And listen to you sing.
To visit all my favorite sights,
To show you everything.
To spend a single day with you,
(I know that isn’t much)
But for the father who lost you
One day would be enough.
I know I’ll get to someday,
When I’m with you above,
But for now I must stay here on Earth
And feel the pain of love.
Father’s Day
Happy Father’s Day to me,
But “happy” doesn’t come.
Because at best it’s bittersweet’s
For me and for your mom.
Today my nephew (he’s your cousin)
Took me by the hand.
We traipsed around the house all day,
Like in a fairy land.
His own dad didn’t mind, in fact
He’s grateful for the rest.
And I did everything I should;
At least, I tried my best
Sometimes we’re astronauts in space,
Or Dino’s on the prowl.
We play with trains and garbage trucks
And read his books for hours.
I can’t say it’s a chore at all;
It’s the most fun I’ve had.
I’d do it every day so I
Could feel like a real dad.
“A real dad”? No, that’s not fair.
Although it makes me sad,
I’ll always remember you were here.
I’m real, and I’m your dad.
Happy Father’s Day to me
My Daughter in the sky.
Thank you for everything you gave
Before you said goodbye.
Doubt
Heart is crying,
Body aching,
Tears are falling,
Hands are shaking,
As all my daily thoughts of you
Bounce ‘round inside my head.
I’d lower you into the ground
Where never would you make a sound.
Your body forever resting there
Among the honored dead.
But no body do I have to bury
And I admit, at times it’s scary
To think that your no body
May be nobody instead.