Breathe
In
Out
Back
And forth.
My head is swimming, the screeching sounds of the guitar burrowing deep into my ears, filling my head with a static that makes it hard to string thoughts together
I can’t feel all of my body. If I focus, I can feel my arm pressed against the person next to me, the person in front of me stepping on the toe of my boot, my tank top riding up.
Breathe.
The presence behind me
I’m so busy convincing myself it isn’t real I can’t even think of moving. Anxious thoughts swim in my vision. I can’t ruin this night. I can’t accuse anyone of anything and be wrong. I cannot be wrong.
Countless bodies writhe to the harsh crash of symbols and the screaming raspy voice of the vocalist. The smell of sweat and must invade my nostrils. The dim lights leave me on edge, constantly steeling myself in the case a stray elbow catches me in the face.
A man’s hips behind me. Close. Touching mine. My friend's spiked hair in front of me. Oblivious. My breathing becomes erratic.
That familiar hot feeling spreads across the back of my neck. My head still filled with static and fear, exacerbated by the edible I swore would make me less anxious.
My feet feel stuck to the floor, my mouth is dry, my skin prickling painfully. The smell of a man’s armpit beside me is making me nauseous.
Breathe.
I hold my breath
And step forward.
For a moment, I dangle over the cliff between terror and relief.
Hands. On my hips. Hips against mine.
I close my eyes. I wait for it to end.
The music stops. The light turns on. He leaves.
Once again, I’m frozen. My friend turns around and meets my eyes inquisitively. I must look upset, but I can’t control what face I’m making at this point.
His eyes are not judgemental, but they make my skin crawl regardless.
I want to go home, I want to sit on my grandmother's lap and cry. I want God to forgive me for being so disgusting.
I want to scream at him not to look at me.
I want to smile. I want to be who I know I am. I want to feel what I’m supposed to be feeling.
But it permeates the air, sinking into my every pore, into all of what I am.
Shame.
Punk
⚠️ content warning
page revision: 2, last edited: 21 Jun 2024 19:27