Sal's Steakhouse
rating: +21+x

You seek the finest rare steak any mortal person has tasted?

Are you absolutely sure you can pay the price1?

Then follow these instructions exactly.

In any city, in any country with Teleweb access, do a search for "Sal's Steakhouse". This will give you the address in the specific city and country you must go to.2 If you lack Teleweb access, you have already failed; the toll on your soul will be horrific,3 yet much less than if you had failed at any subsequent step. Do not walk around asking random people where to find the best grilled steak, or you will be given an answer so wrong it will turn your life into an existence of bloodcurdling horror.4

Go to the nearest aerodome and purchase a ticket to the precise city where Sal's Steakhouse is located, but DO NOT mention or even hint at Sal's Steakhouse being the reason for your visit, for the clerk will turn their unyielding gaze upon you and ask a question that will pierce you to the bone.5 Once you've taken your seat on board, however long it may take, you must never under any circumstances eat any of the in-flight food: succumbing to hunger at this point will doom you to almost certain destruction.6

After debarking you must make your way to the address itself, which must be done without the aid of electronic devices, for they are unable to grasp the true nature of Sal's Steakhouse.7 Here, you face a series of choices, all of which carry their own terrible price: walking on foot,8 renting your own vehicle,9 or hiring a taxi. If you choose the latter, under NO circumstances must you mention Sal's Steakhouse by name to the driver, for they will almost certainly attempt to mislead you.10

Make absolutely sure you encounter Sal's Steakhouse, and not any establishment named "Sev's" or "Sepp's". Failing to make sure of this carries the risk of almost certain failure and agonizing pain11 for your foreseeable future. If you see an unassuming, one story-tall, light blue shingled building across the street from S. Slendamann, Attorney at Law, you will know you've made it to Sal's.

You must not rest yet, however, for the trials have only just begun. Walking inside, you will be greeted by hostile entities in human form12 who will immediately begin a powerful psychic attack on your being.13 You must weather this attack and never be anything other than unfailingly polite to them, or their attack will increase tenfold in power and doom you to unyielding agony.14

Should you survive their initial attack, you will be directed to a table. Never argue over what table you are given or you will be instantly destroyed on the molecular and spiritual level.15 On the wall, surrounded by bull skulls, horseshoes and old newspapers, the menu is written in chalk. Do not ask if there's anything else available.16 Mentioning the flies, or even the fly strips, will provoke an additional attack.17

This moment is the critical juncture. In a confident yet relaxed voice, say "I'd like to order the steak, rare please." for it is the one item that is always on the menu every day. You may say the phrase "medium-rare" if you have the mental power to do so.18 DO NOT utter the word "well-done" or the entities will IMMEDIATELY begin mentally flaying you.19 After this, you may add anything else to your order, though it isn't necessary.

The patience of a thousand men is necessary to withstand the time between placing your order and the time you receive it. Only the bravest and most stalwart of gastronomic seekers and restaurant critics have ever been known to survive this period. If you had the foresight to bring something to ameliorate the wait, consider yourself in good shape. If not, the décor may provide suitable distraction for a moment - however, do not bother the waitstaff to ask who any of the bronze or sculpted busts are.20

If you should lay eyes on Sal himself, you must NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES call him by anything other than Sal, under pain of a fate worse than death.21 Calling him "Sallie" or "Salster" will immediately mark your soul for torment22 - should you be so unfortunate as to lock eyes with Sal while doing this, his radiating waves of power will make your body explode.23

If your sanity is still intact, at some point you will be presented with your meal: a huge rare steak garnished with greens and garlic mashed potatoes. Don't be afraid to enjoy it, or to ask for a leftover bag afterwards, so long as you remain polite. They'll be perfectly understanding of your situation. In point of fact, it's difficult to not enjoy the food at Sal's. Do not ever ask for anything other than more salt, pepper, or water - you will find yourself skewered and roasted alive with malicious glee, a hundredfold if you incur the wrath of Sal himself.24

When you're finished eating, or almost finished, you will be presented with the bill. At this time is perhaps the most important step: payment. Go to the counter and pay in physical American money; if you don't have any, you are doomed in every literal sense of the word.25 God himself could not save you, if he even existed in the cruel, cold realm of your soon-to-be-agonized existence. The fires of Hell will be a cold breeze compared to the punishment that will descend on you, the snapping of your bones and ragged screams from your throat playing a grim orchestra as you are subjected to the most inhuman of tortures for your mistake.26 Death, should it come, will be the sweetest mercy.

Should you exit Sal's with mind and body in one piece,27 you will be left holding a bittersweet, melancholy sense of having consumed the best rare steak on Earth, knowing it is equaled nowhere else currently known to man.

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