The Green Pages
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The Green Pages

A note from the Editorial Staff: Enjoy the complimentary self-updating issue of The Green Pages, a Planasthai subpublication. We know that Ways can be troublesome and hard to remember, so we're providing an easy map of commonly used Ways and Knocks for your convenience. Readers are welcome to submit Ways they discover on their own - simply scream the secrets into the nearest sound pipe, whisper them into a bottle, or relay the message to a trustworthy-looking salamander and an Editor will be on it in no time at all!

Location: Primary Data Interchange Manifold XX-0038-8554-N

Knock: Deliberately vent all itinerant loci from central substrate matrix, then wait until all condensate has completely drained. Pray to anything, but not too loudly.

Location: № 44 Rent St., Lichfield, England, WS13 6DC

Knock: Only active after sundown. Hold the doorbell until a silhouette appears behind glass, and then leave. Return at the same time the following day and the door will be unlocked. Entry requires no further payment, although the Keeper may request a small donation.

Location: Core of Ext.-GILESI-0008

Knock: Follow primary shaft left-left-right-straight-right-right-left-left-right-left, thinking loud, wet, dissonant thoughts for the duration of your travel. Once the tunnel end is reached, play a small refrain of your own composition (aeolian or phrygian modes only). Largely inoperable since 550 GC due to collapsed viscera and GILESI-0008's subsequent demise.

Location: The staff bathroom on the third floor of the Carver Queen’s stable.

Knock: Go to the bust of Her Majesty's Mare located on the western wall, and whisper into its ear: “Yee Haw.”

Location: Your childhood bedroom.

Knock: Burn a family photo in the palm of your hand. Scatter the ashes over the untouched sheets, crawl under the bed, and awaken memories.

Location: National Shooting Centre - Bisley, UK .

Knock: Use a Smith & Wesson Model 659 chambered in 9mm and request to use the Melville Range. When in Bay 3, only hit the first and the seventh targets from the left. Afterwards, use the all-gender restroom closest to the range and flush the toilet, then leave the restroom.

Location: Twelve paces from any intersection of which you have a distant emotional memory.

Knock: Hum two bars of "God Be with You Till We Meet Again" and recall the memory with your eyes closed.

Location: Foundation Site-19 Sublevel 8 Storage Area, fifth door down.

Knock: Make sure absolutely NO ONE is around, can't risk this one getting exposed. Once you're alone, draw an upside-down Foundation seal on the door. Hit it once or twice for good measure, and you should be through.

Location: Wanderer's Library, Shelf-16-A-Northwest.

Knock: N/A, but just leads back out of itself. Who the hell put this here?

Location: Your grave.

Knock: Once you see the light at the end of the tunnel, turn immediately to your left. There should be a wooden door. Step through — ignore any voices from loved ones, deceased or otherwise — and you'll be in the Library, safely away from the Brothers' grasps.

Location: A dream. You'll know the one.

Knock: All you have to do is imagine.

Location: Wanderer's Library, Shelf-11-C-Southeast.

Knock: Repeat the phrase, "Library of old, your stories have been told. I no longer wish to roam, I beseech thee to return me home" and tap on the mirror twice with either index finger.

Location: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, second floor men's bathroom, second stall.

Knock: Face the toilet and recite the lyrics of David Bowie's "Space Oddity" in its entirety.

Location: Paris Catacombs

Knock: Proceed through the Port-Mahon Corridor until you reach the underground well known as the 'Quarrymen's Footbath.' Spit into it and wish a curse upon your most hated enemy.

Location: Six Flags St. Louis

Knock: Ride "The Boss" and at the top of the first drop remember the most traumatic event in your life. When the ride comes to a stop leave the park.

Location: Internet (or equivalent) community site, "The Wanderer's Library."

Knock: In a technologically applicable universe, upload your consciousness to the internet, and access this website (or equivalent actions). Navigate to an entry of your choice, and focus on the text. Allow your subconscious to build out the scene of a reading room with that text in your hands (the Library should help you out.) Upon opening your eyes, you should find yourself in that room of the Library. Note: you may or may not be holding that text depending on whether it is already checked out.

Location: The Dumbarton Rail Bridge, collapsed Western trestle.

Knock: Take a single rowing scull and depart South-East from the nearby Bair Island marina. Row your boat to the bridge's collapsed trestle and dock yourself under it. Once you've caught your breath, stand up in the boat, touch any part of the trestle, and think of your fondest oceanic memory. Jump into the water. Your boat will be waiting for you when you return.

Location: In proximity to something flaming, something metal, something salt, and something that can listen.

Knock: Speak the 6th word on the 266th page of the 2nd hardcover edition of Balladay's Infinitesimal Almanac. Uses limited to one per universe, regardless of patron.

Location: Anywhere, but preferably somewhere close to your home or an equivalent personal space. It must be on a night before the day some work of great importance to you is due to finish, and you must not have made any progression on it yet, except for ideas in your mind.

Knock: Be relaxed, cheerful, and have faith in yourself. Become medianly intoxicated with alcohol, then arrive at your home or the equivalent. Start working on your work continuously, and do not fall asleep. If you find this hard to achieve, you may have your spouse, loved one, partner, or any other individual of significance to tell stories and read poetries to you. Remain in this state for long enough, and you will be through with your unfinished work. WARNING: You must finish said work in the Library before you are able to return. There have been instances where the traveler was not able to do so in a timely fashion, which have lead to situations including but not limited to: frustrations, noises and disturbances in the Library, temporal anomalies, and death of the traveler in the Library due to old age. Therefore, it is advised that you should choose this Way only when you are fairly confident in your ability to finish said work.

Location: QuickMart, 348 Jefferson St., Ann Arbor, MI

Knock: Enter the walk-in beer refrigerator alone with any non-alcoholic beverage. Sing the second verse of "La Marseillaise" with great enthusiasm while marching in place, then leave the refrigerator by walking backward.

Location: A cabin in the middle of the Pine Barrens.

Knock: At midnight, during a full moon, light a flashlight under your chin and improvise a short horror story that lasts at least five and a half minutes. Ignore the noises outside, it's just the wind.

Location: Centerstage of the Globe Theatre in London, England.

Knock: The theatre must be completely empty, and it must be late at night. Holding any human-skull-sized object, you must recite any soliloquy written by William Shakespeare either backwards or in alphabetical order.

Location: A farm in or around Fairfax, Virginia

Knock: Find the Cow With A Heart On Her Nose (She could be at any number of farms) and hand-feed her an apple. If she accepts, go sleep in a pile of hay in the nearest barn. You will wake up in the middle of Southern Shelf 87q, contact the nearest Page for help getting down if needed.

Location: The oldest, still-standing apartment building in Adelanto, California. The building sits at the end of the main road, half buried in the sand, between two redwood trees. The Way is on the first floor accessible when you climb in through the window. Enter the room, head into the hallway, turn right, and follow it down to the lobby. The Way is the elevator car.

Knock: Present the elevator with an item that has "withstood the sands of time." Item must be over a century old, and must be relatively unaffected by the passage of time since it was first processed. Place the item in the middle of the elevator car, then press the button with an hourglass on it. The elevator doors will close before taking you to the Library.

Location: Sigismund Tower, Wawel Cathedral, Kraków, Poland.

Knock: Find the oldest part of the Bell in the Tower. They are scattered throughout it, and you need to pay attention to the plaques explaining the Bell's history. Once you've found it, touch it with your whole palm and tell it your darkest desire in the form of a limerick. You will hear ringing, and a door will open.

Location: 35.764839, -82.265122

Knock: Standing on the peak's platform alone, place both hands cupped around your mouth and yell "I am here."

Location: El Ateneo Grand Splendid bookstore, Buenos Aires City, Argentina.

Knock: Sit in the coffee shop on the stage, preferably near the piano. When a waiter comes to take your order, say that you'd rather be waited by Mateo. If the waiter questions you, insist. When Mateo arrives, order a cup of green tea and "something sweet that keeps me awake." Eat your entire order and leave without paying. Lastly, go to one of the reading nooks in the bookstore and try to sleep. PLEASE NOTE: Mateo only speaks Spanish. Speaking to him in any other language, especially English, may have unpredictable and dangerous consequences.

Location: Clearing in the deepest part of Acadia National Park

Knock: Wrap a clump of hairs around a clump of feathers, tie the clumps together with string and place in the center of a campfire. Burn the mass of hair and feathers for about 2 minutes before putting it out with a large bucket of water.

Location: Gene's Junkyard, Cincinnati, OH

Knock: Approach the boxcar nestled in the northeast corner. Slide open the south boxcar door, step inside the boxcar, and then fully close the door behind you. Once you are inside the boxcar, wait ~30 seconds, and then one of you must say "Do you come here often?" aloud to the other. If the boxcar suddenly lurches forward, wait until it has stopped moving, and then you may safely open the north boxcar door. NOTE: While any number of people may travel through this Way, at least two (2) library-goers are required to open it.

Location: The stomach of the Second-Greatest Leviathan. That, or the bowels. Either works.

Knock: Enter the belly of the beast, and use a Planasthai Brand™ copper knife to cut away a door-shaped hole in the flesh of the monster. Be sure to replace the flesh after you exit, as it is considered 'good' to be courteous to the Second-Greatest Leviathan. NOTE: Knock only works if the Leviathan is alive.

Location: Sherman Oaks Gallaria, Sherman Oaks California. A mural of a tunnel painted onto a brick wall, at the south end of the complex.

Knock: Starting from a distance exceeding 40 meters, you must run directly into the mural at your fastest possible pace. Do not attempt to stop or slow down before passing through, or the Way will remain closed, and you will run directly into a brick wall. NOTE: It is required that somebody who means you harm is currently chasing you.

Location: N/A

Knock: When you spontaneously remember the existence of this Way, find the nearest lamp shade.

Location: The roof of the Empire State Building

Knock: Go to the southern-facing edge of the roof. Jump as far as possible. Do not regret your decision to jump while falling; it is recommended to think about how much of a great idea jumping was while falling.

Location: Any marked pedestrian path through a construction site. Think construction tape, chainlink fencing, planks over holes, etc.

Knock: Take the sudden split in the path only you can see. You might end up accidentally waltzing up to someone's front door instead, so I recommend looking distracted whenever you try. Appears very rarely!

Location: A rough ellipse stretching longitudinally from downtown Tyler, TX to Muskogee, OK and laterally from the area of Durant, OK to just east of Broken Bow, OK.

Knock: Write 01101111 01110000 01100101 01101110 01110011 01100101 01110011 01100001 01101101 01100101 to the cache memory of a 680x0-architecture processor, then cough and crack your knuckles. Note: will probably not work on graphing calculators or the Capcom arcade boards.

Location: Any wood chipper within the eastern half of Wyoming.

Knock: Wear a plaid jacket, fur hat, and hiking boots, and dive into the chipping area carrying an ax and a branch of redwood.

Location: Quarry Public Library, Quartzsite, AZ

Knock: Locate the book "101 Clichés to Add to Your Writing," take it off the shelf, flip to page 50, and read the final work of each sentence aloud. Soon thereafter, the bookshelf will open and lead to the 13th nonfiction wing in the Library. Note: It is recommended to perform the knock on a slow day to avoid exposing the Way to a Jailor base nearby.

Location: Location of Way

Knock: Actions that must be taken to access the Way.

We know as well as anyone that the Way network can be treacherous at the best of times, so we here at Planasthai wish you only the absolute best in your reality-maneuvering escapades. Remember: sunlight clears the rot!

- The Editors

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